][ i r i s ][

2012-01-30T20:29:00.002+08:00

Nope.

Right. Nope.

SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!

what, you're faulting me for being quick?

2012-01-16T18:35:00.007+08:00

There are 4 workers in a room. 3 people - X, Y, and Z, are given equal amount of a basic task which we shall call Task A. The other worker, W, is given Task A too, but lesser in amount because he's new and not familiar with the works yet.

X, Y and X are also given other ad hoc tasks, such as Task B, C and D. X and Y are given a little more ad hoc works - Task E and D, respectively.

However, Y also has the task to divide Task A equally among X, Z, W and himself. Task A varies in its simplicity and difficulty in work. Some of it may be more time consuming than the rest.

There may be time when the distribution of Task A is unfair - human error, not much attention paid towards what was distributed, etc.

So there are people saying, given the somewhat fair amount of work, Y is rather quick. In comparison, X is, well, rather slow.

So now today, X asked Y if he checks what he distributes, because it seems that X is always lucky enough to get the difficult tasks.

*writing distracted by a BBC show*

Anyway, to make a long story short, Y feels as if X is saying that Y is causing his slowness by unfairly distributing tasks to him. Which Y feels... FUCK YOU LA. Next you distribute see how you like it.

are you happy now?

2012-01-14T17:54:00.001+08:00

Sequel to ::if this is a fairytale, it's a fucking boring one::

We went out drinking with the Voices bunch on Friday night; Sumi was back from Washington and was gonna leave soon. The night started out rather dull. Sy and I were late, but still we were the first to arrive there - Craft Brewery (not recommended, and after that night, I doubt they'd welcome us back with open arms).

To its credit, the food portion was big and I liked the mashed potato although I got sick of it before I even finished it. So maybe it wasn't all that good.

Anyhoo, it was quiet with a bit of chit chat here and there for a while, until the boys arrived... and then the place got a little chattier (I don't know if that's even a word, but what the hey). More talk, more drinks. The beer was quite mild...

At one point Sy was chatting with Praba and I went and stand next to him because I got bored of sitting alone. Sy complained that I complained about his lack of proposal (see linked-post above), and Praba, kinda drunkenly, said he should give a proper proposal (not his exact words, but whatever he said that night, it implied that he meant that - or maybe it's just me). So Sy went, okay, okay, I'll do it.

And he swiftly moved the chair, went down on one knee and asked, "Iris, would you marry me?" with a cigarette in his hand, to which I said, "With a cigarette in your hand?!" to which he replied by taking the ciggie from his hand and to his mouth (LOL). Then the others shouted, "Speech, speech, speech!" To which he complied...

"Iris, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Will you marry me?" And he handed me his promise ring to me (I wasn't wearing my ring then).

I teared up asap, and said yes, halfway between a jump and wanting to go, "Woooo hooooo!"

Congratulations here and there. I did not see how the rest of the diners/ drinkers reacted. Didn't care for that while.

****************************

Sayang, you're the best thing that ever happened to me too. I'm sorry I'm such a baby with the proposal and the ring and the rest of what-nots, but well.... I am such a baby. =D

****************************

In between all that, we made a lot noise throughout the night at the brewery. We also had plenty of disputes with the staffs about the number of pints that we should've had. About the 3-pints promotion that Sumi wasn't informed of and that's she insisted that she be able to buy it anyway even though the (supposed) time for the purchase was over. About the Bingo vouchers that we won (yeah, they have Bingo there and our table won 3 vouchers out of 2 rounds!) which they claimed they've given to us, which actually, they didn't. And about the vouchers that we couldn't use until the next day, which Annu fought over and managed to us 9 free pints of beer out of those vouchers.

Ahhh... crazy night.

Ya ya, happy new year.

2012-01-01T20:14:00.004+08:00

As of yesterday, many people has been posting farewells to 2011 and hellos to 2012. As I read through, I wondered what the big deal is about a new year. I mean, it literally is just another day. Another day that also adds on another year to my age (but mind you, I'm still 18, haha). Anyway, the day before, I wanted to go out and do something on a new year's eve. Because it was a new year's eve but more so because we had 3 days of holidays. Takkan wanna stay home all three days, right? But then as the day passed into the night and I continued lying on the bed, I thought I might as well just sleep through it.

But as it was, there was a carnival near my place and they put on fireworks. So 9 minutes into the new year, I went out the house with 2 Ferrero Rochers in hand and watched awesome fireworks right above my head. They seemed so near I thought they would fall on my head.

Then today, I woke up and Sy asked where I wanted to go. I wanted to go shopping. But instead, I told him, "Let's go skating at Sunway" (I must reading too much Archie's in their winter times). So we went to Sunway, along with a few hundred other people. I think we rounded the carpark for at least half an hour before finding a spot. Had Manhattan Fish market for lunch, which by the way, sucked. The Sweet Alabama drink was mild and the food served was cold.

Then we went skating. I was nervous when we arrived at the ice rink; skating sure seems fun, but I can't even roller-skate properly (Sy said he was suprised that I wanted to come skating; well yeah, so am I). Thought of backing out, but then we did come all the way for this. So we paid, got our skates, and slowly went onto the ice.

Godammit it was slippery! I can't even stand properly and I literally. Could. Not. Move. I held onto the sides of the rink; it was surrounded by glass border but there aren't any railings for poor shitty 'skaters' like me. It was hard to hold on to the glass borders! Especially when you're wearing gloves, your grip ain't good at all! And who should come along, skating easily and smoothly on the wet ice, but my fiance...

Apparently, I have no balance, terribly unable to balance my body weight, which apparently is due to my lack of exercise. The skates were painful at my ankles, my arms are hurting because I kept dragging myself along the sides like a baby learning to walk. Every time I try to move forward, I slipped backward.

Yes, dear, I heard you, lean forward and not backwards. Now if you could tell my body to act uninstinctively...

I was goddamn frustrasted. I was willing to burn the skate-till-10-pm ticket money. But no, he said. Don't give up. Try again in a while.

Okay. F. I. N. E.

We went into the rink again. Again, my body froze, I cannot move the way some four-years olds are moving on the ice. I was close to tears at that point. I was standing on the side of the rink again; there 3 people in front of me and one of them just fell down. They're not moving anytime soon. Sy stood near me, but nowhere near the glass panes of course, and urged, "Move it! Go around them". To do that, I have to move freely on my own and not hold on to anything.

Sounds simple enough. Except I haven't figured out exactly HOW to propel myself forward using my feet. The feet that up until then, are still either staying put at one position, or ~~moving~~ slipping front and backwards uncontrollably.

He took my hands, in a somewhat perceived impatient act , and led me around those guys. And then he jokingly said something, which unfailingly unscrewed my 'waterfall' tap.

I wept there and then. Why? I'm not feeling pathetic enough on my own that I couldn't do something so simple? Embarrassing, yes, I know. But I still haven't gotten around prohibiting my crying while still allowing my feelings to go about freely.

This was supposed to be my birthday pressie. And it turned out to be a goddamn lousy one.

Shopping therapy does work you know. I felt much better after spending about an hour plus inside Nicchi, trying out clothes and deciding which dress to buy for CNY. Finally found two dresses that somewhat flatters my apple-shaped body.

mothers are always right?

2011-12-14T09:40:00.002+08:00

Why are mothers always right? I bought 2 new pairs of shoes the other day, and my mum wanted to see them. You know, saja saja check out what I got. Her feet are 1 size smaller than mine, so she tried on the shoes and went, "Aiyo, so tight. Don't your feet hurt? Later when you walk sure will hurt one. Should have bought bigger... etc."

I did try the shoes. I walked a bit in it (but how far can you walk in a shop right?), and it felt alright at that time. Fuck, it felt good. Not painful.

But I've always bought open toe shoes and this time around, both shoes are closed toe and also fully covered. And I'm terrible at gauging what good fit it is for fully covered shoes (got one time, a few months ago, I bought sports shoes - which also happened to be fully covered, and they hurt like motherf*cker). So I suppose my mum was correct. Once again. The shoes do hurt a bit.

But they are pretty! And we learn from falling right? =p

I guess I'll wear them until they hurt no more.

heck of days

2011-12-02T18:51:00.003+08:00

As predicted, the last 2 months of the year were hectic. More so becuase colleagues are taking leaves here and there.

The other my colleague asked me how did I manage to still go home on time at 5pm every day. Yes, I do go home right on time every day, because I feel bad asking my carpool-er to wait for me nearly every day. But the truth is, I didn't manage to complete all my work all at the same day. I rush through them, yes, and I try to do the more urgent stuffs first. The rest, if possible, I postpone them to the next day. Also, I've been eating lunches at my desk just about every day, taking less than an hour.

But mine is such an awesome company - they want us to liven up our work areas. Decorate the board. Decorate your working bays. But you know what? It's also a fucking competition with a fucking deadline. Where got time to decorate things when there are other operational deadlines to meet?!

Got.... stay back lor.

That's what I'm doing now. I'm typing this from the office, haha. I did not go to lunch at all today; I shared a bowl of fried spaghetti with my colleague, who was also working to decorate the board with me during lunch time (hungry now). I also realized that I have not gone to the toilet even once this whole day.

Sigh. And all the while, I see emails coming in, one by one, demanding action. Ah... fuck you, man.

Not to mention, this evening, someone from MAIS called me, asking for my 'perkembangan' after converting. Did I go to those classes? I said no, I haven't got the time yet and I don't have a car. He suggested a few places, like Jabatan Daerah Islam Hulu Langat, in Kajang. PERKIM, apparently, have classes in English. He also noted that I did not change my name (for goodness sake, people, get over it!).

I haven't even got the time to do wedding planning. I haven't got the patience to even learn Mandarin... you want me to learn Islamic stuffs now? Gimme some time, can or not?

Earlier on, I was thinking that I could learn the basic fardhu ain stuffs from Sy (going to those place often, I am liable to regularly piss people off and giving myself early heart attacks). How now, brown dog?

If this is a fairytale, it's a fucking boring one

2011-11-28T14:10:00.004+08:00

It's been more than a month since i've had anything to write. Not to say that there were absolutely nothing to write about... just that i dont feel there is much to write on.

What's there to say? That I see this as an unofficial engagement because there was no proposal from his side, just a mutual agreement that I'd convert and hence marry him. He disagrees. I tell you, there is nothing romantic in an engagement when it involves difficult decision to convert from one religion to another. You dont get the typical "Will you marry me?" kind of stuff. Instead, you get "So will you be converting or not?" And i am hopeless about the former. I don't care what he said, a question "Do you want to get married?" is abso-fucking-lutely different from an actual proposal. The kind that comes with a ring or at very least a flower.

Why am i so fucking upset and disappointed over this? I don't know. The same way I don't know why I'm sitting here at Starbucks Pavilion, writing these and crying at the same fucking time.

I guess I dreamed too much, expected too much. The more you hope, the more disappointed you get in the end.

Also probably because I'm hormonal now.

ring-a-ding

2011-10-24T23:29:00.004+08:00

Last Friday was an 'uneventful' day. Went to the hospital in KL, got my last HPV shot, ate an expensive brunch at the hospital cafetaria, drove (well, I didn't drive) to MAIS (Majlis Agama Islam Selangor), wore a complete tudung, got pissed that they have a bloody 2 hours and 45 minutes break time, signed a paper, repeated the shahadah twice, and voila, guess who's a Muslim now?

Yes, God. You might be in trouble now (dealing with me, I mean).

Oh, and I also ~~unofficially~~ got engaged. =D

Lttr fr th wnds

2011-09-29T12:25:00.003+08:00

Lkng t th pctrs f frnds wddngs, fl knd sd nd slf-pty a bt, knwng tht my wn wll nt b s btfl, nt s glmrs. Vn th ctl mrg crmny wnt b nc, sng th ll mst lkly b srrndd by ppl dnt knw nd prbbly dnt lk t ll. Gvrnmt ppl. Rlgs gvrnmt ppl. "Yr nn-mslm rltvs cn ttnd bt cnnt ntr th msq." Rm, xcs m, bt snt thr th plc whr mrryng prt hppns? Wht wld thy b dng tsd? Mght s wll nt g t ll, y dt.

Nd t ll cms dwn, gn, t mny.

Mny tlks nd thghts pt m dwn. Dprsss m. Whts th pnt f ll ths? Ncrsd bdgt, ncrsd nds, ncrsd wrrs, ncrsd frnzy.

Lk, m n mntm nw. thnk rvrythng scks nd nt wrth t. t ll lks s fckng blk wth n pstvty n sght.

Pls, sht m.

abeautifulrevolution.com: saying things I wish I did first

2011-09-25T19:54:00.004+08:00

Halal Dim Sum - Found!

2011-09-18T20:12:00.002+08:00

So early morning, left the house to meet Sy at Quality Hotel to try out their halal dim sum at Mei San Restaurant. The place is small but not bad. The dim sum buffet is self-service at RM29.50 person but excluding the drinks (2 jasmine tea, they charged RM6!*^%^#%). I'm not sure if that price is regular or promotional. Will have to ask some day.

Anyway, their dim sum is not bad. At least I didnt think it was. And I like that I can go to the buffet table and get whatever I want, instead of waiting for someone to come over with a limited choice of dishes to pick from.

They also have chicken porridge and they are quite nice =D

There are plenty of Malays eating there. The staffs, however, elderly chinese, randomly conversing in Hokkien and speaking Malay to the customers. Sometimes, I felt, they sounded a bit rude.

Would like to check out that MinMax Restaurant, but I've read reviews that their service is horrible....

Later then, we walked over to Sogo and I bought a swimsuit! Gosh, do I look fat in it. Sigh, how la to keep fit and slim down for wedding?

It rained heavily while we were in Sogo. When the rain subsided, we walked back to the car, which is about 5 minutes from Sogo. In the middle of that, the heavens decided to spill more rain (because drizzles just won't do it, you see). So it splashed and splashed and we were underneath a walkway, only about - what? - 100 metres away from the car. We waited there for the rain to slow down, but it slowed down every time only to be followed with a big gust of wind and heavier rain. And then slowed down again. And rained heavier again. And slowed down. And went heavier. So on and on and on...

So what are we to do? We walked slowly under a tiny umbrella towards the car. One side of back was completely wet. Haiyo...

But guess what we did later that evening? We went over to the Putrajaya swimming pool for a swim. Unfortunately we arrived pretty late, and had only half an hour left to swim. I mostly played in the water, attempting to swim and... well, water's not my element (then again, I'm not sure what is). Sy swam like there was no tomorrow and he came out of the pool completely drained and shaking and tired. (see, siapa suruh renang kuat kuat?)

Went for dinner at a mamak and then had gelato ice cream. I personally think I ate back whatever calories I might have shed earlier that day. =p

......

2011-09-14T12:30:00.002+08:00

I am sitting at my desk. Mood = 0. Motivation = 0. There's work to do, but none is perking me up. All is despairing me.

My heart is trying to beat itself out of its rib cage. And I'm looking at the screen, the papers, in a lifeless-zombie-like expression.

Are you nervous?

A bit. Very much so. Actually, try freaking scared.

Why?

The irreversibility. The burden of responsibility. The potential to disappoint. The lack of wholehearted desire to change.

Now my tears are planning to start a waterfall.

What's my name?

2011-09-05T18:07:00.005+08:00

Airissa Pak
Aireesya
Aireesa
Ayrissa - this one still looks the best; a lil' like Malay name, a lil' like English name.

They are all a twist of the name "Arissa", which means:

'Most useful, most excellent' or 'the best' in Greek, and

'Bright' in Muslim/Urdu

If you remove the 'sa' at the end of the Ayrissa, it becomes Ayris, pronounced as ai-ris, as in Iris.

Get it? Sy and I thought them up last night! Haha.

This doesn't necessarily means I'm going to change my name. No. I know it is not mandatory to change name. Initially, I was just looking for a Malay name for Sy's relative to address me with. But, if the religious department allows me to just add Ayrissa in front of my Chinese name, I'll do that. If they insist that I have to have 'binti Abdullah' also, then no thank you; I'm sticking with my original Chinese name. I accept that we are God's children, which is a fact that nearly everybody knows so I don't really have to advertise that; but how many of you really know whose daughter I was born to, huh? I'm (potentially) changing religion, not culture or race or erasing my entire existence in the past 25 years.

It's so sad that people are not automatically born with common sense. It's even sadder that these are the same people who rule over us.

balance & harmony

2011-09-03T23:58:00.003+08:00

One of the hardest thing about converting, other than prayers (because I really am not fond of praying of any kind), is going out for dim sum with my family.

Our regular place is cheap and tasty; 4 people can eat with less than RM100. However, in view of my future changing status, we will have to look for tasty and reasonably affordable place for dim sum.

Because apparently, eating dim sum is one of the very few activities we enjoy doing as a family.

I know, quite pathetic.

On the other hand, I will not have to follow my husband's name. I can still stick to being Mrs. Iris.

If you ask me why I asked why...

2011-08-21T14:51:00.007+08:00

Sura 17:36:

"You shall not accept any information, unless you verify it for yourself. I have given you the hearing, the eyesight, and the brain, and you are responsible for using them.”

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"In fact I know of some muslim women who look forward to those ‘5 days of the month’ (menstruation time) so that they could go about applying make-up/nail polish without thinking too hard . Well, don't u think it's weird that Allah would make his religion so strict that one actually looks forward not to pray ? He is the Most Beneficient, Most Merciful and the Most Understanding… I am sure He wants every muslim to look forward for prayer."

"Why did the Prophet allow men to do wudu without removing their socks? You feel water should touch every place that we do the wudu (face, head, mouth, hands, feet) but in Sharia it is taught that the Prophet allowed men to wear even leather socks (khuffayn) and perform wudu."

-extracted from a comment from Lina Malkawi's blog-

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The Prophet (pbuh) said:

"The key to heaven is prayer and the key to prayer is being ritually pure."

The Prophet (pbuh) said:

"Make things easy for the people, and do not make it difficult for them, and make them calm (with glad tidings) and do not repulse (them)."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

True Islam is derived from the Quran and not from the traditions or cultures of Muslim people. Interesting read.

"Sadly, this is the route taken by millions of Muslims throughout the world. Not only do they add their own innovations to God's simple commands, but they also add the most ridiculous conditions possible."

recognition = $$$ ka ching!

2011-08-16T23:14:00.007+08:00

We got a 'team recognition' for our hard (ahem) work during the time our government decided to pull of diesel subsidy. Shit work at that time, but surely not as shitty as how we've heard another team elsewhere had. But sure feels nice that your manager knows and appreciates what you've done.

In the mean time, waking up early at 5am and then sleeping back before getting up again for work is quite a bitch. I can stand not eating... not sleeping (enough)? Not so much. Been in a rather nonchalant, what-the-fuck-am-I-doing mood these days.

Good thing it's a holiday tomorrow, haha!

Gosh, when's my OTs coming out?

getting published

2011-08-09T23:43:00.007+08:00

Once a upon a time, I ~~read~~ gobbled up stories online in places like FanFiction and FictionPress, while trying to write stuffs of my own. Like many things I do, the writings didn't go far.

But for a few of my favourite (amateur) authors who wrote some of the best, most amazing stories you can imagine, their dreams came true. One already has two novels published, another will have her book published in 2012.

Theresa Shreffler (CrystalMaiden) wrote Cat's Eye, a fantasy-romance story.

Sarah J. Mass wrote Queen of Glass, a (very good and unexpected) twist on our conventional Cinderella story.

I highly recommend these two books. They will keep you reading the way Harry Potter gets you hooked.

looking ayu in baju kurung

2011-08-01T12:33:00.002+08:00

He looked at me, as if he's never seen me before.

(Not that I was looking ayu... =p)

work or cheat?

2011-07-21T20:59:00.002+08:00

Our government and wanna-be government promised us so much, and yet it is still not safe to walk in the streets - even the most popular, tourist-bound places are crawling with predators.

The youngsters who are supposed to be our future anchor... they are on the streets right now. Preying on our friends and relatives. Cheating our hard earned money. And they are rude, seemingly uneducated bunch. They don't care.

I think it's been 5 years or so that this cheating 'organization' has been around, changing name every time they are detected. And they are still here. It proves how much easier it is to be a criminal than to be honest-working person.

No wonder the boys don't want to go to school anymore.

I am much more than vertically challenged...

2011-07-19T22:37:00.004+08:00

... I am smart.

the upside of down

2011-07-19T22:33:00.002+08:00

... And we made it through another of my hit-and-runs.

~~I solemnly swear I am up to no good~~ I promise I'll be better.

2011-07-17T19:17:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wish I weren't more like me. Then maybe things won't be so difficult.

2011-07-17T00:02:00.001+08:00

Perhaps we are not who we think we are after all...

Matthew Lewis aka Neville Longbottom

2011-07-16T11:06:00.003+08:00

H.O.T

truth, she says

2011-07-11T23:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I'm amazed how another person's thought mirrors mine exactly.

going to be 4 years.

2011-07-10T22:07:00.003+08:00

Is it really weird to have dated a guy for 4 years? A few people have commented things like, "Wow, that's long?", "Really?", etc. You get the drill.

Then again, my sister dated her husband for 9 freaking years before they got married, and I was also quite "WTF? 9 years?".

And I guess people usually get married by that stage or broken up already. Seems like the likely sensible moves.

la bla blah

2011-06-26T19:09:00.001+08:00

Life has gone decidely mundane, with no higher purpose. Bummer.

i dont know anymore.

2011-05-23T23:11:00.002+08:00

Many times, I really wish life has a reset button.

Where were we?
Where are we?
Where will we be?

Boy, do we need to stop...

The minute I stop doing, the train of thoughts take over and I get run down by myself. This is not even an express train; I go slow. But like the slow poison that seeps into the blood, moving ever so slowly yet so steadily towards the heart, I crawl all over myself and pick, pick, pick.

Until there's really nothing left. There is no safety guaranteed here. Board at your own risk.

There are no safe questions, no safe answers. No everlasting euphoria. Only, perhaps, a stream of neverending tears.

Trust.
Hopes.
Vision.

Board my train and let me tear you to pieces.

maybe not meant to

2011-05-23T23:05:00.004+08:00

"at some point, it ceases to be called "writer's block" and just means that you aren't a writer."
-emotionalist-

feeling the blues

2011-05-18T22:29:00.004+08:00

"When you survive today,
only to wonder if there is a point to tomorrow.

When you hurt your body and mind to complete the work
only to wonder, at the end of the day, what the fuck?

When you look at the one you call your love,
only to wonder, what really is love?

When you give them your all,
only to wonder if they are all better off without you.

When you close your eyes in the nights,
only to dream that you never have to return."

Weren't we here before, my little meanie troll, always?

home is where the peace and anger is

2011-05-16T14:07:00.003+08:00

Scene: Father in the bathroom, scrubbing my brother's work shirt.

Mother: You dont have to scrub it la. Just wash a bit and rinse it. It's not like he sweat a lot in it.
Father: Haiya, he's (brother) got sweat at the back of the neck there. It's all black and dirty and stinky.

something something something

Father: Why, you think it's very fun squatting here to wash it? You come and try it la!
Mother: Eh, I squat there every night washing all the clothes! You are washing one or two clothes already complain so much. I wash them every night!

La la la la. At this point, I am already covering my ears to silent their not-so-quiet voices.

The best part about moving out of the house is that I dont have to hear these loud arguments anymore.

The worst part? I'll be the one starting this kind of arguments with my own partner.

"You are who you are because of the environment in which you grow up, and because of the people who raised you. That is why from the moment you are born, you are only destined to a few possible paths of greatness and disasters."
-yours truly-

desperado... slightly

2011-05-04T22:22:00.008+08:00

Back when I was still studying or unemployed (for that 2-3 months), I remember I'd always go to asiaparttime and lowyat forum to look at the job opportunities available. Promoter jobs, writing gigs and freelance gigs. ~~Never got a job from them anyways~~. Actually I did found a job from lowyat forum before. To work as promoter at Lowyat.

Today, 5 months into my real, full time job, I went to those two sites again. I was actually looking for gigs that I can do in addition to the full time job. Yes, my pocket seems to be shrinking every other day. I mean, I can still afford the basic things and all, but I might, soon, not have enough to contribute to my piggie bank (savings la doi).

And really, it's hard to plan your future without savings, you know. Heck, it's hard to plan a weekend ahead. Everything requires money. Cant even meet friends without spending extra dough, which constantly makes me wonder how people with lower income (than me) make it? You know what, I'd really want to know how my sister with a 1-year daughter get by with an income that is near to mine, which by today's standard of living in KL, isn't much at all. Hell, I'm still wondering how the heck my own mother made it with such teeny weenie salary, with 4 kids in tow (even if you add in my father's salary, the total income was still teeny weenie).

Writing gigs. That's all I can do now. But the gig that I've been working for since last year is out of work to commission to people.

I actually just emailed to FameCherry to sell myself (as writer la). It's a pretty interesting website. Should be a challenging work too. I hope I get it. Then at least, I wont have to wonder what to do after coming back from work other than sleep. Although, by end of the month, I'll have more to do after work than currently. Have to do my own laundry, own cooking, own ironing, own cleaning... (I'm moving out. It's all SBSC's fault; banyak tempat ada, nak pindah ke Cyberjaya jugak...).

I need an interesting, time consuming hobby. Wait. It should also be free, if possible. Well, that narrows it down.

Btw, look what I found=D

(fake) dogs in my life

2011-04-25T20:58:00.005+08:00

I truly regretted the decision to donate Isaac away. The truth is, I didnt really donate him; more like I dumped at the staircase to be found. But I did mean to donate him to orphanage; they had a stall there in MMU that day, but by the time I reached there carrying some books and big Isaac, they were gone. So I left them all at one of the FOE staircase where I always see the committees put their stall decorations.

I guess I rationalized the act with the fact that Isaac didnt really belong to me. I kinda adopted it. His alternative fate would have been getting dumped at roadside (he used to belong to a former roommate/ friend who got it from an ex-bf who broke up with her *ahem* *ostrich* who didnt want to see him - the dog, not the ex, anymore). Why I said his alternate fate would be ending up on the streets? Because that's the fate of some other things given by the ex to my friend. One was literally thrown out of the car window on the way to Cyber from Kedah.

I'm really sorry Isaac ='[. You've been a real good dog. =[

This is Lazybone. Yes, that's his name; doesnt he look very lazeee? Heck, the first night I spent with him alone, I got infected by his laziness already. Went to work half asleep. Bad boy!

He's almost as fluffy and comfy as Isaac. Almost. But hardly near to it. I'm serious. Isaac's fur is fluffy and soft and feels soooo luxurious. He's also meatier than Lazybone, which is kinda ironic. Sigh. Isaac Isaac, where are you now?

Lazybone, Evie, Elijah. Goodness. Only Elijah seems to be awake.

Life is such a work

2011-03-29T20:38:00.003+08:00

Back On That Couch

We're sitting on the couch
holding each other close and
we talked all night long
your eyes never wavered from me and
I couldn't stop listening to
your gentle voice
but that was three years ago.

Right now, we're sitting on the couch
holding each other's hand
watching the television like we always do
nothing seems different - except
it used to hurt when we let go of each other's hand,
even for a nano-second.

Oh I do miss you so
when you are away
but when you came home again
I don't know what to say
("How are you?" seems so lame)
don't know how to feel
(a heartache, a relief?)
only that I wish,
we are back on that couch again.

What happened to those butterflies
that used to tease me endlessly?
What happened to cuddling for hours end,
and waking up in a fairytale?

I guess life took us in its mundane spin
and demanded its price
I guess we must have carefully walked by -
its straight line
trying to pay our dues, and
living our parents' lives
(though we said we wouldn't)
(thought we said we wouldn't)

We've grown so much, learnt so much
but back on that couch
from three years ago ---
in that life of oblivious bliss
is where I want to be with you
again.

-yours truly-

why dont the banks cater to ppl working normal hours?

2011-03-21T20:36:00.003+08:00

The normal operating hours for banks are as such:
Monday - Thursday: 9am - 4:30pm
Friday: 9am - 4pm
Saturday & Sunday: Closed

My working hours are these:
Monday - Friday: 8am - 5pm
Saturday & Sunday: No work

So tell, I have to take leave every time I need to go to the bank? Even to update my passbook? Because it just occurred to me - it's been months since I've updated my passbook, and the only reason one has a passbook is to be able to record the transactions in it. Which is basically useless if I cant update the book, right?

Sigh. What the hell man?

they said avoid trips to japan

2011-03-20T19:38:00.001+08:00

but my boyfriend just arrived in Osaka, Japan this morning.

im not criticizing, just pointing out the obvious

2011-03-15T20:56:00.004+08:00

Work has rendered my life to a certain boredom. But it's not the kind of boredom that I've never met before. In fact, I've been wondering when it would arrive, and when it did, I wondered how I stayed cheerful and happy at work in the short past.

I can sleep a full 12 hours the night before and still wake up lethargic.

You know, when people talk about Shell, the first thing they think about it the high salary and great benefits. Yours truly is also one of those people, though in my defense, I was partially influenced by the boyfriend. I'd still like to beg to differ, because in his field of work, apparently you can get a starter's salary at above 3k (cant be absolutely certain about this, my memory is a but wacky). In my field, we get a typical fresh grad salary. But yes, their benefits may be better than other places, but whether or not they are better than the competitors, I do not know (and right now, do not care much to find out, though I did hear that there are places that offer more lucrative pay and benefits).

By the way, I'd still like to say that SBSC is the castaway child of SMT. You work with SMT, you're in good position. You work with SBSC, you're in a good position too, just way less than if you were with SMT.

But I'm not here to say I am with a bad employer. I am here to say and state and to remind (mostly myself), that no matter how great a reputation a company has, no matter how big the company is, no matter how globally efficient a company is, it can still be screwed up inside out.

You'd think that a big company like Shell would be able to have sufficient manpower to man it. Good lord nooooo... there are departments still lacking manpower. There are departments with only 3 people in a team and that number is a sufficient for the work required. And it is... unless one of them is not in for the day, due to MC, AL or corporate-required training. The two team members who are left will have to work like dogs to catch up and produce the work of three members.

In fact there are departments where about 50% of the members are newcomers. And since all a newcomer does in the first few weeks (at least the first few days) is onboarding stuffs, it's pretty much the same as not having a new colleague (that can do work to help alleviate your burdens).

Oh and when you send something over here, you better attention it to the correct person with the full name, department name, extension number, etc. right down to the T. Otherwise... wait another few months before you get a reply from whoever you're supposed to hear from.

And since this is a such a globally connected company where a single process involving countries worldwide may be performed in a single location.... Well, let's just say that you'd expect things to go fast in such a global corporation. Wrong again. It's the other way round babe. Because nobody knows to where or to whom to send a certain, let's say receipt.

Who handles the funds reimbursement?

Manila processing team?

Which team?

Who's the PIC?

Who?

But he said it's not him!

Send to who again?

Oh wait need approval for each of what?

And this will go on for another 6 months, if you're lucky.

about those pictures...

2011-02-17T20:25:00.002+08:00

I think I was being too much. A 'lil too show-off-y. Perhaps I did upload one too many pictures on facebook. BUT. Some I uploaded because they were really pretty (I took them at different angles to concentrate on a single rose, and then photoshopped them a bit to make them look even prettier). Really, I do think some are quite pretty.

Well, I guess you can say that's another sort of me showing off.

Fine, fine. I admit it. I was showing off.

Honestly though, how often do I get to that eh? So well... I hope Sy isnt too embarrassed by me. Although I'm sure he is, a bit. Heck, I would be if I were him.

happy valentine's day to me

2011-02-16T22:34:00.004+08:00

Pretty pretty pretty

Picture time!

Oi! Evie, ape you buat?

What's this little cutie called?

12 o'clock: Hello, Ms. Iris eh? I'm calling from Blooming Florist. Got a flower delivery for you. Can come down to the loading dock?

Passed by security's post to get to the loading dock. Saw a woman holding a bouquet of flowers, with a box of Ferrero Rocher attached to it. I actually asked her if she was delivering the flowers (or did I ask if those are for me?), to which she replied, somewhat surprised that I even asked such a question, "No, they're for me." Malunya...

Went out the door and towards the van, stocked with many other bouquets of roses. The guy handed me my big bouquet of roses and I signed a delivery slip. (Okay, okay it's not that big la, but it's the biggest I've ever gotten so I'm calling it big.

I actually already know about this delivery, though it was supposed to be a surprise. But I asked him why he wants to know which floor I'm working in, and after a few lies (I might be going training there, I might be sending you something...), he blurted the truth out. LOL. I wonder why surprises never work out quite the way they were supposed too in our relationship. I always accidentally blurt out my surprises too. (sigh)

Anyway, I kinda expected a single rose, or something like that. So I was quite very pleasantly surprised to see a big bouquet. =D

It was lunch time and the colleague I came out with was in the cafetaria already, and I've already bought my food also. So into the cafetaria I went. Kinda awkward.

(Liar, you so wanna show off. )

(Eh shaddap la)

Since my cubicle was at a corner around the end of the room, no one really noticed the flowers. BUT. When it comes leaving the office time... I take the office shuttle bus you know. And the LRT. And then I walk home from the LRT station. So I was carrying the bouquet all through waiting for bus, towards the LRT, while standing in the LRT, and while walking back home. It was quite embarrassing and awkward. Goodness, I didnt know if I was supposed to smile like an idiot or maintain a nonchalant posture or frown so people dont look at me.

One advantage - I've got no hands to stop by pasar malam and buy food, something I nearly always do on Wednesday nights.

=]

2011-02-13T19:37:00.002+08:00

New 18.5-inch LED monitor from Sy. The only thing I dont quite like is the widescreen factor. It's un-proportionally long and not so tall enough. ^_^

Doing away with the very heavy CRT monitor that's been trying very hard to break my flimsy desk into two.

the woes of gambling

2011-02-12T13:45:00.000+08:00

Usually, I dont gamble, even on Chinese New Year which the time people usually does gamble, if ever.

But this year, I played lahmi game (it's a card game, but we played it on mahjong tiles), and won 9 bucks+ on the only round where we played money. Beginner's luck, eh?

Well, 8 days later, which was last Friday, I met up with BBGS gang and as per usual, someone suggested that we go hang out at someone's house and gamble. So off we go to XWen's place in Puchong.

I was damn sial that night.

Even while playing Black Jack I can lose money. But worse still was when we played In-Between (card game also). I lost around 30 bucks+ that whole night. That pack of cards was really jinxed; no one actually won much, mostly lose. Someone lost her RM50 note in the bets, and someone else won that same amount of money later.

kuo lien

2011-02-03T00:35:00.003+08:00

So today is the eve of CNY, and.... erm, nothing special really happened. Been singing PS3 karaoke in Sy room last night and over the weekend, and now he's obsessed with the game. He's probably going to object to my calling it a game.

Anyhoo, sister came home tonight and woke me up via slapping. Slapping my arm, that is. Thank you for waking me btw sis; I'm pretty sure I was having a good nap and nice dreams (yes I was napping at 7pm+; dont judge me cause I'm good in bed lol). But I forgive her, because I am such a nice person, and because she came home bearing gifts.

An external hard disk! My birthday pressie. 320G only, but much better than what I currently have. What was that, 50G? I'm going to put in all the Charmed episodes that Sy downloaded for me. Maybe Bones too. Hehehe.

Also, look. Socks. Everyone gets socks from her. My father, my brother, me... not sure if my mother got some. Cute eh?

This one's a.... koala and monkey riding on rainbow? Or is that a little lion?
(She also got me something that she said one of my aunts bagi one, which presumably, she got it for free and thought I could have it. Can share with Sy as an extension of his birthday pressie. Or for VDay LOL)

Oh, my mother made plenty of dishes for the reunion dinner. One of which is fried fish. We were told not to eat the head and fish. Lien lien yo yu. She's just leaving the plate there in the kitchen. We're not sure why.

Happy Chinese New Year!

the story of a lifetime

2011-01-28T20:54:00.006+08:00

"... because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied..."

I realize now, that all my life, I've been looking for a story to tell. A story about me, one that I can write down and tell the world. I always make up stories in my head, and pretend it's real. Especially when I'm upset. Depressed. Going crazy. Or simply have a goddamn bad day. I will have imaginary friends consoling me. I will have the scene in the real world deleted, replaced by the one in my mind.

It is so utterly foolish, to maintain an unreachable world, to have such great but nonexistent friends, to have this unattainable life.

And it is so me. ~~Sometimes~~ I ~~think~~ know I am killing myself with my own mind. My own poison in the making.

At the same, I think this is what makes me so 'interesting'. To myself, at least. Lol.

And he shouts at her, "What about me? What about me? I can give you the life you want. I can make you happy. Happier."

She looks at him, with longing, regret and a sense of gratefulness. She wonders if she will think of this moment as as the one where she gives up the chance to be someone else. She hopes that regret will never arrive to her.

"But you're not real."

doo daa doo

2011-01-20T22:53:00.002+08:00

Wow. It seems like it's been a loooong while since I've posted here. But it's really just about 2 weeks. Meh.

Work's boring. Finally missing the days in university where a skipped class only means you gotta study on your own, which most of time, you have to anyway. And so that means if I was feeling sleepy and lazy that day, I can sleep on.

Now? Wake up and leave the house before 7 am. Sigh. I'm even starting to dislike the coffee cause I drink them nearly everyday, sometimes more than once a day. Not really to stay awake, but most of the times just to have a hot cup around my hands, because it is freezing cold in the office.

Then today, I went out with my parents to go buy 'lin fo' for CNY and realized, goddamn, it's HOT out here.

Why cant we have it all nicely in middle?

The Wednesday Letter

2011-01-06T21:44:00.008+08:00

Was reading this book by Jason F. Wright. I was thinking since I dont have a 'canggih' phone to play with while I wait for the bus or in the train, I might as well bring a book with when I go to work. I havent been reading for a while now (unless you count reading Archie's Comics as actual reading). So I brought this book and read it in trains or while waiting for the shuttle to carry me off to and away from work.

It's a beautiful story, and I'm not just saying that because I say that about most books I read (for example, the last two books that I bought and read had not beautiful stories in them; one was, in fact, quite boring to my standard -oh well, cheap books and bad foresight). It's a romance story, about three siblings discovering their father's letter-writing to their mother, after they both passed away at the same night (imagine that, they died one after another, about minutes apart). For forty years or so. The man's been writing letters to his wife every Wednesdays, because he promised. And throughout those letters, we find out some revelations that broke, mend, and tore at our hearts.

The other majority of the story concentrates mostly on Malcolm, the middle runaway son and Rain, woman he's loved all his life, the reason he ran away (as a fugitive no less) and whom he may have to watch marry another man - who in the end (though we all suspect in the beginning anyway) is really an insecure asshole.

Oh Malcolm Malcolm... yes, he's been described as quite an attractive rugged man in there (cant remember if he's really rugged; it just sounded really good at this point).

I teared a bit this morning while reading it in the train. Couldnt help myself; I really am very easy.

Anyway, got a pleasant surprise after finishing the book tonight (so much for reading in trains and bus - now have to find another book to keep me company).

An envelope at the back of the book! Just like the ones in the story. Except, well this one says epilogue and not addressed to Laurel. (why does my fingers look so dark?=[ )

And what else would be in it but a Wednesday (presumably) letter? Malcolm followed his father's footstep and wrote to his beautiful wife. He's got a son of his own now.

I thought that was quite ingenious of the writer/publisher.

This is also more than just a love story. It's a story of the Lord's mercy. Quite a Christianity theme in there.

wishlist aka birthday wish(es)

2010-12-29T21:31:00.001+08:00

Dear Santa,

I've been a pretty good girl this year. So for this Christmas, I'd like

Dear God,

Dear friends and families and kind strangers,

For my birthday next year (ahem, this Sunday), I wish to have:

1) An LCD monitor. I dont mind the standard 17-inch one; I'm not into big-ass 30-inch monitors. I dont care what brand as long as it's clear and lets me have a good time watching movies. Also it should be light. Like half the weight of a CRT monitor, which I currently am using. Oh, I'd like it white please.

2) ~~A camera~~. Scratch that. My darling bought me one already, hehe.

3) Shoes. It's not because I'm a shoe-holic or whatever, because I totally am not. It's because shoes made for women these days are of such low quality. I need shoes that are both good-looking and walkable!

4) An external hard disk. One that can store millions bytes of data of movies. Good quality is preferable.

5) MP3 player. Preferably one that looks exactly like the one I have now, a Zen Stone Plus from Creative. Also preferably with more than 2Gb of space. Like maybe 4Gb, or 6, or 8...

~~6) Dresses. I seem to be wanting to wear dresses, despite hardly ever able to find one that fits my disproportionate body shape.~~

6) Slimming pills/potions/lotions/spa/treatments. Because I need to fit into pretty dresses. =D

7) A laptop. In which case, forget the LCD monitor.

8) A time-turner. Please refer to J.K.Rowling's Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

9) Pretty, pretty, silky, long hair. Hmmm, might need Santa for this after all...

Thank you!

See! Pretty right? (but this one too short, lol)

of siew mai's and weddings (and frogs)

2010-12-28T21:50:00.000+08:00

Makan benda halal so susah la. Have to come all the way to a hotel...

Dim sum! Siew mai, har kaw, fishball, prawn dumpling, etc. But at least they are quite good.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

What do you do at a stranger's wedding? I mean, you know no one... (hint in the pic)

That's right. You grab your boyfriend's Iphone and start to play with PocketFrogs. I was busy trying to mate the frogs, lol.

Delaney

2010-12-19T21:24:00.002+08:00

I'm not crazy about God. But for as long as I can remember, I've always thought that god have something to do with everything that happened to me. Good or bad. I used to pray to god for good results. Come to think of that, back when I was in primary school, I did that a lot. Good results please god, and I promise to be good.

Of course, back then I prayed to Jesus, even though we prayed to Kuan Yin at home. Hah. The prayers ended with, "In Jesus' name, Amen." A habit I got from kindergarten. Then later, I didnt direct it to any specific god. Just, you know, god.

And then I grew up a little bit more and convinced myself that god probably isnt real. Kinda hard to do that, to be truthful. So then I became agnostic, a belief that god exists somewhere but that I have no intention to pursue that greater truth.

I still think something happens for a reason, though I cant exactly see the good/bad/reason in it. Though I still end up blaming god for some/a lot of shit. The point is, god still has a place in me.

Just look at these names...

Samara, means protected by God
Jan, means God's grace
Delaney, means angel from heaven/offspring of the challenger.

Very god related eh?

Anyway, the point is....

Actually am not sure what the point is.

Oh well.

================================

Work is getting mundane. Still very confusing, with all the procedures and standards to follow. And there seems to be more things to learn each day. Gets me more confused by the end of the day and I just wish it's gonna be 5 o'clock soon so I can go home and fall back to sleep.

Life.

2010-12-14T20:02:00.001+08:00

How often can a woman's instinct turn out to be true?

... often enough.

Sigh.

oh glorious sleep

2010-12-04T12:07:00.001+08:00

Wah, I'm so not used to waking early (ahem, 6 in the morning, wei). So last night, being a Friday, I collapsed to bed at 8p.m. straight after returning from work. I did not eat dinner or shower.

blah blah

2010-11-26T23:31:00.006+08:00

Apparently, Colgate called. My handphone was low on battery, so I turned it off for a few days while I was at Pantai Remis (a nice experience, but probably not one I'd like to repeat any time soon; dont ask). Anyway, since they couldnt reach me at my cell, they called my home. My mom couldnt reach me either, so she called my bf, who can only reach me with sms (incidentally, I turn on my cell every few hours to check for any messages). Turns out, Colgate wanted to invite me back for the final stage of interview with the Finance Director. Hello what's the date now? And you said the program will start on the 22nd?

Oh, and I think I got selected for UOB's one too. They called and asked my mother's IC. I mean, why on earth would you want my mom's IC? (Although they asked for mine too, but not my dad's? Curious, curious...) But you know, I am actually quite happy with the outcome. I have quite high chances on all the interviews I went to. Am actually quite, very pleased that I made it to the final stage interview in Colgate (but I dont know how many applicants I was competing with...)

My carefree days are ticking away. Next week is a brand new chapter in life.

Work.

god is good, but...

2010-11-11T19:25:00.004+08:00

Out of the many, many applications I sent out (okay, so it's all done online and might seem a little lack of effort, but it's a century of internet now okay?), I've gotten only about 5 calls for interview. Afraid that I wouldnt be able to secure a job by December, I thought I'd go for the first offer that comes in (quite reluctantly, though). The pay is not high, with absolutely no other fringe benefits.

So on Tuesday, I went over to the office and signed the offer letter. Headed home right after and a couple of hours later, SBSC called and said I was selected for the position. Everyone said go for it, even though the pay and benefits are not as much as Shell Trading, but the name is more than enough, especially since I'm a fresh grad.

But the day after on Wednesday, I still went to the UOB (mass) interview (for the sake of experience; plus I did promise to go). They wanted to choose 50 trainees out of the 200 hopefuls on that day. My chances was 25% only, and Im thinking there are plenty of people more qualified than me. Although I still hope I get selected, hehe.

And today, during lunch, Public Bank finally called regarding the application I sent in about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Well, since I signed the SBSC offer and then rejected the first offer (after signing it), I told her I was no longer interested. Even though the pay was 2.8, though she probably called for interview invitation only I guess. Oh well, better not get myself more confused and torn in between anymore.

Canon PowerShot 3000 IS

2010-11-08T15:39:00.008+08:00

Pressie from Sy, for our 3rd anniversary! It's my (our) first camera ever!

I'd babble about all the three years and what it means to arrive here, but really, some of it is quite depressing, but mostly I'm not much in the mood for a long wordy post.

Instead, I'll let you check out some random photos I experimented on. The camera captures quite clearly!

This is taken on the maximum zoom. I took from about a street away.

The other side.

I took this on the maximum zoom again, this time on the TV. Guess what movie this is?

It's Scott Pilgrim vs the World!

Damn clear isnt it?

2010-11-05T20:09:00.003+08:00

You know what?

I give up.

Fuck you life. I still dont know what I want goddamnit, which blocks the way of how to get it, which blocks the way of what job I should get, which.... well aint that a fucking misery. Letgoletgoletgoletgoletgooooooo

Standard Chartered

2010-11-04T18:51:00.002+08:00

Realized that I did not make an application to Standard Chartered, a bank with supposedly good trainee program. So off to SC website I go, and applied online. Did an online numerical test, and.... FAILED.

Sigh, 20 questions in 20 minutes; I did not, could not, complete it.

Bye bye SC, I'll try you again next September. Maybe.

new york new york

2010-10-31T23:39:00.004+08:00

Apparently, New York New York in One Utama has this challenge where if you can finish a burger-meal-set-for-four (cant remember the dish name) in an hour, the meal is free. Kinda like those challenges in Man Vs Food. And that burger meal is really huge.

No... that's not the challenge; that's my lunch, Caesar Salad, which for the record, is an absolute rip-off. There's barely any veggie (no variety, only that green leafy thing that you see now), barely any 'grilled chicken' (really, it's just a few slices of chicken slice). Honestly, the salad from Wendy's is more appetizing and more filling!

Here's the burger challenge in comparison to my measly salad.

The whole burger is as big as my face, apparently. I think it's well designed for people to fail. There's more bread (not soft bread) and fries than there is meat. Very unhealthy too.

Did he finish the challenge? Hehe, why dont you ask him?

2010-10-29T20:13:00.001+08:00

cross my fingers
for the chance that still lingers.

*cross fingers*

apa pun makan duit

2010-10-27T21:08:00.004+08:00

I just realized, upon finalizing the plan to go 'holidaying' in Singapore, that I really dont have that much funds left in my account. But it's okay, I think. I did some calculations, and I just have to be very berjimat after returning from Singapore. The only problem? Dont know if there's gonna be any unexpected spending that I have to do. I actually already have two of such circumstances in mind, but hope it wont happen =D

And then I just realized, that I wont be getting rm2k for my salary (for the new job). You know why? Havent taken into account the cuttings for EPF and SOCSO! Haiya. EPF is 11% on my account, SOCSO Im not sure. That leaves me with less than rm2k, which after all necessary calculation (food, transportation, study loan repayment, entertainment, etc.), is simply not. enough.

Sigh.

vocab check

2010-10-25T17:08:00.001+08:00

Malfeasance = wrongful conduct
E.g. "As far as I'm concerned, there is no malfeasance; this is merely a case of he-says-she-says."

four flat

2010-10-22T14:38:00.002+08:00

Do you know, in order to get a 4 flat (full 4.0 GPA score), you need to get an A for each subject? I think even one A- would push you down the 4-flat ladder. In all my 6 and a half year in university, I have never gotten a 4 before. My best was 3.98, during my foundation year (of course, some of my close friends managed to get 4, because that was really the easiest level of our studies)....

... Until now.

My last two papers (I do hope these are my last papers), my last examination (I do hope that was my last one.. please dear god let it be), and finally, without actually aiming for it, I earned A for both the Tax 2 and Advanced Tax papers (I got A- for Tax 1 previously), giving me a GPA of 4 (although it only raised my CGPA by 0.02).

*Dancing like a crazed woman*

************************************

Dear god,

I am grateful and thankful. (And good luck to my Tax lecturer, for this trimester, all 3 Tax subjects are available and unless a new tax lecturer was hired, he is in charge of all 3 classes. Triple the headache. Bless him.)

Now, do you suppose you can save me some more of this good fortune for Shell? Thank you =D

wthdyw?

2010-10-18T20:02:00.002+08:00

It's been two weeks and a half since I was done with final exams. Results will be out this Friday (although, the new trimester has begun today; turns out the sem break is only for two weeks, not three), but it seems like f o r e v e r.

Considering that I've already found an okay job, I am in an alright position. It may not be my dream job, but I really dont have one. I want to get into banks because it seems to be a stable career-line. With good pay. But I really dont know, so what the hey.

I cant make up my mind if I want to continue job-hunting, you know, for a better offer. On one hand, the fact that I've sorta secured a job makes me complacent. Less motivated and more lazy to not make an effort to find something else. On the other hand, I know I cannot really last long in this new job; you can only go so far in a department with less than 10 staffs as an accounts assistant. So an alternative would be required, sooner or later.

In the meantime, I dont know what to do with my time.

Why does it seem like time is fucking with my mind?

re: re: interview

2010-10-14T18:59:00.000+08:00

Bah, I accepted the offer dy. Take whatever comes along first.

re: interview

2010-10-14T11:01:00.002+08:00

So, the employment agency called to inform me that the Dang Wangi office has selected me. Asked me when I'd like to start, earlier if possible (I initially said December if can).

Should I, should I? No banks called yet, although one application for a Maybank position states 'Under Consideration' in Jobstreet right now.

It's very common to reject an offer after accepting (but before starting work) or quit after starting work for a while to go for another position elsewhere right?

Right?

Right?

interview

2010-10-12T14:31:00.002+08:00

So this morning, I went to Dang Wangi for an interview as an accounts assistant. I was pretty excited about it in the beginning, as the location was very convenient - I can take the Putra LRT, RapidKL LRT or the Monorail. Sogo is nearby. But I reached the place, 45 minutes early (is it bad to arrive too early?), and the place was... not quite up to expectation. While I dont expect a glamorous 20-storey building office, I also did not expect this. It is in the middle of what was a row of houses in the past which has now been used as restaurants or offices and some, still houses. This is an office, somewhat of a headquarter, that only runs the accounts of the business (they have restaurants and clubs and all). Every other relevant departments are elsewhere, at the respective restaurants or clubs.

Anyway, it's not much of a modern place. Old computers (still using CRT), old tables, old chairs, and the air-con in the boss' room is down. There are less than 10 employees in the office, and everyone does accounts.

He proposed RM2k during the 3-month probation period and RM2.3k if confirmed. Which isnt so bad.

Havent received any news on the 40+ job applications I sent in Jobstreet. And I really want to try out bank trainee programmes. Because, you know, the salary is pretty high and I want to get exposure on all the departments. The only problem is... banks have very high expectations. Some require the trainee to pay back the salaries if he/she is dismissed by end of the training (ahem, fail la). And competition is damn high lor, especially in more popular banks.

hey there frustration

2010-10-08T21:51:00.004+08:00

How do you find a suitable job, with about thousands of competing fresh graduates out there, and half of them are decidedly better than you?

And when I say suitable, I mean a job that does not suck, that actually has some form of learning curve in it, where you can actually learn something and take with you (and of course, with those knowledge, contribute back to the company) and pays well enough.

And when I say pays well enough, I mean not a measly RM1.5 or 1.8k. At the very least RM2k.

My sister said I should demand more, because I'm a degree holder. A friend, Allie said, we should negotiate for more, because living today costs a bunch.

But really, what does a degree scroll mean anymore? I feel a degree today has as much importance as a diploma did 10 years ago, and as much as a SPM certificate did 50 years ago.

Half of all my friends (probably) are either pursuing a professional qualification or a Master's degree. Right after their Bachelor's degree. So really, how big now is a Bachelor's degree?

Not very.

And does the company care about how you're surviving with a 1.8k salary, when they dont know what you're really made of yet, when they just need someone to fill that position, to do that work, so that part of their work is done and they can rightfully claim their 3k++ salary at the end of the month?

Possibly not.

But, fuck this shit man. Fuck this shit.

re: I want to hear (for the cupid)

2010-09-24T17:40:00.001+08:00

Firstly, I would like to state that I do not have a habit of complaining to my bf that I am fat. I have a general habit of complaining that I fat to anyone who would listen. He is one of such, fortunately. (In return, he complains back to me the same thing, so it's fair eh?)

Secondly, I am not overweight, hahahahah! In fact, I am well within my normal BMI range. I just have disproportional fats all over me body, henceforward, fat.

Thirdly, it's not much consolation to hear 'im fat too', although there is consolation in the fact that he cant say im getting too fat for him. Which leads to fourth, if you cant retort "you're fat so you cant say im fat", try other areas of weakness. Like, "well, you said you dont like skinny chicks!"

FYI though, sometimes he said, "yes, you are" in reply. You get bored saying, and hearing too I guess, "im fat too".

Anyhoo, enable the comments la!

p/s: but sayang, she said you were sweet! =*

final examination: 1

2010-09-24T12:36:00.002+08:00

This has got to be the first paper I ever had where I know how to answer all the theory questions. Usually I'd go, "Dang it, I knew I should have memorized that!"... But not this time! Which, I tell you, is quite amazing. Or maybe not. It's only because some questions were direct 'copy-and-paste' from past year questions, and I've done and practiced on the few most recent ones.

I have a good feeling about this.

Let's hope it's more than just a good feeling.

life, summarized

2010-09-23T21:17:00.003+08:00

Once a little cell, formed
by the unity of a sperm and ovum
Then a little human being in
a little tummy
Oblivious to the fights outside
"Should we keep you, or
let you go back to God?"
And if she was kept, then stay put
for a life defined by rules.

Learn to crawl, learn to speak
Learn to be silent, learn to read
Learn to be measured, intellectually,
emotionally, physically
Learn the rules, learn to play by them
Learn to pass tests, learn to achieve beyond
your true desires
Learn to fight, learn to submit
Learn to earn money, learn to please
Learn to win, learn to let go
Learn to be warm, learn to be lonely.

You get born, you go to school
You go to work and you reminisce
You learn to forget, but you
forget to learn
And eventually, you come to a turn
and you ask with a fist to the sky,
"What the fuck are we doing here?"

And then you die. Period.

-yours truly-

the many faces of adorable

2010-09-16T01:23:00.004+08:00

this is too adorable!

the inward drama

2010-09-13T15:55:00.002+08:00

No one promised us a rose garden, but we keep on going looking for that secret, and maybe forbidden, place. Will we ever find it? And if we do, will we find peace?

"What I do know, is that I dont know."
-yours truly-

hello mind

2010-09-09T17:26:00.001+08:00

How does one know if she's made the right choice, the right decision? Do you feel good after? And if you have doubts after that, does that mean you made a wrong choice?

the only thing that is constant is change

2010-09-07T16:32:00.002+08:00

There is something familiar stirring up inside of me again. It is that something that makes me panic and worry excessively. One that prompts my innerself to say, 'it's because you fear change'. And that response triggers more panic and worries, because that fear is something that will set me back in life.

Allie said to me, more than once, "Why are you so stressed up? Chill la!" So easy for her to say. If I dont stress myself up, I get complacent and I will never try harder than what I did, which is not trying very hard as it is.

Dear God, why?

hidden in plain sight

2010-09-03T20:41:00.002+08:00

"Lying next to you
Wishing I could disappear
Let you fall asleep
And vanish out into thin air

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it
It's the avalanche that looms above our heads
And we don't believe it

...Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet
Are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here holding up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth"
- The Truth, Kris Allen

"I always played you songs
To say what I never could
Other people say it better
Say it better than I would
But for every word left unsaid
I thought you understood

There's nothing wrong but communication
It's just a problem of our own creation
Sometimes love gets lost in translation..."
- Written All Over My Face, Kris Allen

The Memory Keeper's Daughter, the film

2010-09-03T02:14:00.003+08:00

I wrote about The Memory Keeper's Daughter (the book) previously, and I've just finished watching the film version of it, an Emmy award Lifetime Original Movie. I didnt it did the book much justice; there were many parts of the book that were not covered but I guess they are necessary cuts in order to complete an hour-and-a-half movie. It's actually not bad, if you've never read the book - quite beautifully made with the flashbacks and all.

Dermot Mulroney made an alright Dr. Henry, although I feel less anger and frustration towards the character in the film than in the book. Gretchen Mol as Norah Henry never grew old, which is quite annoying. She's supposed to very beautiful even at 46, but hey, make some changes that indicated that she actually aged.

I've never actually watched any other film on Down Syndrome, so I cant say much on the performance of the actresses/actors who have the illness in real life.

Then again, who am I to play film critic eh?

Just one more thing - this dude, who played Paul Henry, reminds me of someone. Cant quite put my finger on it..... (aha! Rupert Grint! He looked like Rupert in the parts where he had shaggy 70s-like hair!) Anyhoo, just want to say he's cute =D

Watch the trailer!

And this interview with Krystal Nausbaum, who played Phoebe Henry.

geez, thanks very much mr. diabetic genes

2010-09-02T11:56:00.001+08:00

So, I'm guessing I'm gonna be a full-blown type 2 diabetic in between 3-10 years. With my lifestyle, it's likely to be in just 3 years. Or less. Oh god, touch wood!

Maybe I ought to turn vegetarian.

Sigh. So very sad.

a lifetime of amendments that never amend

2010-09-01T21:50:00.002+08:00

What I'd like, is to have a ~~beautiful~~ beautifully pained story.

But of course, I'm a terrible writer.

2010-08-20T20:27:00.001+08:00

“Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by, Belle fell in love with a beast, Pocahontas risked her life for a feast, Jasmine could have had anyone but she chose a poor man, and Ariel, she walked on land.”

-Le Love: risk-

something beyond me

2010-08-18T18:49:00.003+08:00

Amazing teen pregnancies stories that did not end up in disasters, from GivesMeHope

A 15 year old girl got pregnant and dropped out of high school.

She had 5 kids by the time she was 23 and was in an abusive relationship for 18 years.

She worked hard every day to make sure her children's lives were better than hers. She never gave up, and now she's a successful business owner.

Mom, you give me hope.

I'm thinking most teen pregnancies do not end well. Maybe the kids will not get enough because the parent(s) never got enough education to secure better jobs than waiting tables. Maybe the mother will end up screwing up herself and the kids, the way it was in Gracie's Choice. Maybe the kids will grow up to be a teen parent as well. Maybe maybe...

But some actually end up well. I have a cousin who got married because she was pregnant (I dont how she, the kids or the marriage is doing; I dont even know her name), and yet another cousin who will be marrying this October because his girlfriend is pregnant. Every time, I will surely ask, wouldnt abortion be a better, easier choice? Can they make it, them being so young, earning so little? Raising a kid, after all, is more than diapers and milk bottles.

All I can think of is, I will not be able to that.

Maybe I lack courage, maybe I lack willpower, but whatever it is that made these people go on, I do not have it.

And for that, dears, I am sorry.

dear lecturer

2010-08-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

Your name shall be withheld from this blog, and one day, I will forget about it. And I understand that you're old and tired of our (youngsters, students) tirade and whatnots. And even though I told myself that I'd be patient with you, I've pretty much had it.

Yes, the subject is hard, but you dont make it easier. And I'm not sure if it's your inability to decide or what, but I'll be complaining in your evaluation. Okay, I'll make suggestions that I hope you will graciously take on in the future.

One, make up your mind when you want the midterm to be then ask the students if they are okay with it during the first two weeks. Better yet, make it during lecture time; people who say they can't make should either have a very good reason or they should drop out. Second, with the assumption that it doesnt take that long to decide which topic you want us to research on, let us know about the assignment BEFORE the midterm break. So we can work on it then. Things just go crazy after midterm break, because you're not the only lecturer who gives out assignment late and then demand it three weeks later (or maybe you are). And hey, think of it this way, you give out the assignment early in the semester, you can demand it to be handed in early in the semester so you can take your time marking them instead of rushing the marking during the last few weeks after the finals. More time, less stress. Make sense?

Yours truly,
that girl who took both Tax 2 and Adv. Tax

Current reading list

2010-08-03T12:26:00.005+08:00

No God But God: The Origins, Evolution and Future of Islam [by Reza Aslan]

This book was recommended by an acquaintance who converted to Islam last year, prior to her wedding. Like she said, this is a very easily understandable book, and contains a modernized view of the religion. What I like most about it is that it admits that the practices of most Muslims today are actually irrelevant, most of them were not even really religious as much as they are cultural or regional.

The Quran never actually force the non-Muslim to convert when marrying a Muslim. Encourage, yes. Force or coerce, no. In the US, you can actually find moderate Uztaz who would conduct a marriage ceremony between a non-Muslim and a Muslim, provided that the non-Muslim does not attempt to convert the Muslim partner or future children to his/her religion. It's like having a pre-nup. And I'm not so sure if nikah is a religion thing or cultural. Will have to double check on that.

Oh, and according to Uztaz Sayyid from PERKIM, Buddha is also prophet. Ha ha ha. I am so confused about the timeline now.

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden [by Joanne Greenberg]

I was feeling depressive these few weeks, nonchalant and dull and mundane. So I googled around about it, and one website suggested to do more reading regarding the illness, and recommended this book.

It's a semi-autobiography novel, about a girl battling schizophrenia.

Hailed by The New York Times as "convincing and emotionally gripping" upon its publication in 1964, Joanne Greenberg’s semi-autobiographical novel stands as a timeless and unforgettable portrayal of mental illness. Enveloped in the dark inner kingdom of her schizophrenia, sixteen-year-old Deborah is haunted by private tormentors that isolate her from the outside world. With the reluctant and fearful consent of her parents, she enters a mental hospital where she will spend the next three years battling to regain her sanity with the help of a gifted psychiatrist. As Deborah struggles toward the possibility of the "normal" life she and her family hope for, the reader is inexorably drawn into her private suffering and deep determination to confront her demons.
A modern classic, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden remains every bit as poignant, gripping, and relevant today as when it was first published.

As far as I'm concerned, this is like a book similar to Prozac Nation or Bell Jar or Girl, Interrupted. Real life stories compressed in a book. Not sure if I ever learnt anything from them, but somehow, I feel better after reading them.

Amazingly enough, I found this book among the shelves of MMU library.

a atau b?

2010-08-03T12:21:00.001+08:00

Bah, writing at like.com has ceased and now I'm wondering should I find another part time job? On one hand, there is exactly two more months before final exams, and if everything goes well (i.e. I pass both papers), I would be considered (unofficially) graduated. By then it would be time to either a) go for a holiday! or b) get a permanent full time job.

No money for option a, and scared out of my wits about option b.

If you dont know, I suck at interviews. (No, being an ex-debater did not help!)

I really feel like I ought to not find work and concentrate these last two months in passing the subjects. (Yes, this is also an excuse to continue lazing around)

a or b? a or b? a or b?

Fuck it.

From Postsecret

2010-08-01T19:08:00.000+08:00

If oblivion is all there is when we die,
If nothing happens other than
Suffering ends, or
An evil life was snuffed out, or
A boring life is at last over,
I think that's a wonderful alternative
To Heaven and Hell,
And I'd choose oblivion.

My dad is my hero. He's dedicated his life to God and his faith, and made me a better person. So if there isn't a Heaven, I WILL kick someone's ASS.

I'm a Christian who is falling in LOVE with someone who doesn't believe in god....I think it's a beautiful love story.

Idiot.

let's die, or not

2010-07-29T21:28:00.003+08:00

A very interesting post that I found on everyoneneedstherapy.

This is such a great topic and I've avoided it for too long. But a comment on an old post reminded me that you have to hear the other side of suicidal ideation. This is sanitized a bit. The bold font is mine.

"I am a victim of a violent crime by a person in my family. Now I am planning on being a psychologist/counselor. I know that it will be difficult but I want to be here for those who have gone through this situation and I want to let them know that they don't have to let this ruin their lives. Depression is one out of many symptoms, I know, but is it normal to have the desire to kill yourself every time you remember your past? I have had trust issues because of this, so I sympathize with all the victims out there and only wish that I could bring forth justice in all their lives."

I'm not sure where, "Just shoot me," entered my particular vernacular. Some of us say this then put a cocked index finger to one ear, click, pretend to off ourselves, and everyone laughs.

Anyway, I've been saying it a lot when I hear about things in my personal life that leave me speechless, make me shake my head, as in, "What now? What next?" When I'm frustrated with people.

What's interesting about, "Just shoot me" is that the person who says it obviously doesn't mean it, is just signaling frustration with life's impossibilities. We can't control most of it, certainly not the behavior of other people. So we laugh it up, say, Shoot me.

I give up.

Which implies that someone else wins, but it's okay. We concede the victory with relief. Let it go.

I think this happens on a much deeper psychological level in trauma victims. If a person suffers a trauma, even secondary trauma (hears about someone's trauma and feels the pain), it can trigger suicidal wishes and fears.

Immediately after a trauma or during the trauma, the thought, I would be better off dead is seeded in some neuropathway. Then you get the emotion, the fear, the terror, or it's there first, doesn't matter. But the reasoning, the thought processing about the event becomes unconscious, and that happens rather quickly. All that remains for
eternity is the conclusion, I want to die. Sort of stuck like a broken record. You can turn off the juice, but someone keeps turning it on when you least expect it.

And the fears remain, associated with the conclusion, better off dead. You never wanted to die, you never wanted to be raped, to use a common example, or sexually harassed, perhaps, but the thought and the fear originated at the same time, under heightened arousal, and became inextricably linked in the brain.

Our brains are simply out of control. You would think they would get a grip.

But no. Get a bad thought, link it with a negative event, and here's your negative thought, warmed over easy again and again with the thought of the event. And then, the evolved negative emotion, the depression that lingers beyond fear. Fear may have burnt itself out. Maybe not. Just shoot me.

If you grow up with someone who is suicidal you are literally fed this thought with every suicidal threat, wish. You could be a happy go lucky kid, someone with a fairly happy little neurotransmitter, and you listen to the gloym and doym and you think, Oh, for crying out loud. You don't get a corner on suicidal ideation, I have my own, damn it. And you do, not because you want it, because you breathed it.

"Hard to be tough sometime, hard to have great boundaries, to know,in your heart, This is not what I want, this is not who I am. This is merely something I thought once, under a great deal of stress. "

Or

"It's something someone else wanted, under stress. But it has nothing to do with reality, not mine. I really don't want to die, I certainly haven't the guts to kill myself even if I did."
But here are these stupid thoughts, coming home anyway.
So I wrote her back, said something like this:

"Not to answer you personally, but hypothetically people do have what I call "normal" suicidal desires and fears, and these mean absolutely nothing, meaning, people who have these desires and fears would never in a million years kill themselves. You might be one of these people, probably are. That said, for sure, you gotta get therapy to work it out and you really can work it out. Reading about it on the Internet probably won't cut it."
So you want to know, don't you, what happens in a therapy that works it out?

You go over the trauma, for there usually is one, even if it is imagined. Some people have amazing imaginations and they make themselves upset with their own creativity. Doesn't matter if it's real or imagined, most of the time it's real. You go
over it again and again, line by line, verse by verse, and examine your responses, how they were normal fear generated thoughts under stress and how wanting to kill yourself rather than face others in the shame of it all felt like a normal solution.

Then with your therapist you do a cognitive behavioral therapy. You challenge the date on the inserted thought.
"Wait a minute. The date on that thought is August something, 2004! It's now November, 2009! That thought has expired!"
And you let it expire, die a natural death.

"You challenge your shame, you say, And I did nothing to deserve this! Why should I kill myself over something that happened to me?"
As my daughter is fond of saying, Most of the time things happen to us. And she's right. We can take responsibility, sure, and we should, and we should rectify whatever we can, make whatever amends are necessary, do whatever we can to right life, but owning things to the degree that they make us sick? Forget that.

Be charitable, pass them along.

therapydoc

hello, a ticket to hell please

2010-07-27T23:51:00.002+08:00

I cant decide if I am in a menstrual-related moodiness, or I just feel crap because, hey, that is the norm in my system, after all. Midterm is next week, and while I can actually say I have been doing some studying, I can't really be sure (as usual) if that was studying or plain reading-as-if-studying. I made some half-hearted notes, went to see the lecturer about one attempted past year question. I did read the textbook, but I consciously refused to read some stuffs, convincing myself that they are not so important (meaning, not likely to come out in exam, or if they do, will carry little marks). Like the case laws. Oh dear god. So many case laws to read, but which one is ultimately important in order for me to pass the exam, hopefully with flying colors?

The lecturer often laments on us students, that we only complain and never read and expects to be spoon-fed and takes things at face value.

"The examples in your notes are just examples for you to understand the concepts; the exam questions will be much harder and more complicated." So he warns us many a time, as past students have complained in their evaluation that his notes/examples are not 'proportionate' to the questions on the final paper.

Also very often, he will cite some real life incidents, and ask us, "Have you heard of....?" Naturally, nobody answers most of time because a) we really dont know, or b) we really dont want to answer can you please move on?

He wonders aloud what we do read, or what is it that we do everyday, not knowing the simple common news. Dont we try to learn in general instead of just to pass the exams?

And every time he does that, I answer quietly, "We sleep, we play games, we go to facebook, we party, get high and drunk and struggle to pass the exams."

I'm sure there are students out there with more... life, than this. But not many actually give a shit to read the news or really take notice or the world anymore. It's difficult to 'learn in general and not just to pass exams', when the grades are always lurking around the corner. It's called study smart. Get enough just to get by, and hopefully more. I learned that from the SPM workshop aeons ago.

Sad, but so damn true.

I have long given up on the news, as they depress me more, wondering why in the world do these things happen, why can't the world be uncorrupted and realized that the answer is, 'because that world would be so stagnant and dull and every human being would be like each other's perfect clone', or 'because human will be human and we are all weak in nature'.

Sometimes I can't stand watching some movies, even though they are comedies. But these 'comedies', they make us laughed out of outrageous real life events that, should they occur to you, you would be seething in fire instead of laughing.

Yeah, maybe I take things too seriously. But when I'm in this state of 'down-ness', pretty much nothing is funny anymore. Nothing is worth it, nothing is useful, nothing means anythingt at all.

2010-07-26T15:32:00.000+08:00

Dear thief,

I hope you fail in all your final exams. Or get caught cheating.

contradictions of my life

2010-07-14T22:39:00.002+08:00

The days are getting more boring with each passing hour. I find myself having absolutely nothing to do other than studying, now that the writing gig has been stopped (waaa, no more income already).

As any of my working friends would say, 'Enjoy the student time while you still can'. And as any of my studying friends would care to attest to, 'It's not so damn easy!'. I know, I know. Studying only mah, where got stress? Well, I bet that's not what you said back when you were studying!

Yes, I know, I know. This is comparably much easier than the people who are working (especially the ones in audit firms) AND studying at the same time.

But the thing is, the more I look at my study materials, the more stressed I get, especially when I'm in the tak-paham-apa-benda-ini-cilaka period. When my brain is crammed with all the facts and theories I dont understand, and I try to hit it with more of it, I go crazy. I have to stop looking at them, worrying about them or even think of them. Gotta do a complete cutoff to get the tension off. The big problem is, this cutoff period has no limit. I dont know which time limit works best.

So one good week might have passed before I start 'studying' again (how long has it been this time - half a week?). It's alright if there's no rush to it, but it is an awfully bad habit. Sigh, have to hide this blog from potential employers...

story of my life

2010-07-08T15:52:00.002+08:00

One step forward, two steps back.

2010-07-04T18:59:00.002+08:00

This heart wont stay still. Unlike my physical life, which is stagnant like dead water.

I feel like there is very little that I should do, and yet this little things are such difficult tasks that I try my best to avoid them. And I do them subconsciously too.

Cant cant.

Why is it that other people can get up and out of bed even though they have nothing much to do, and still do whatever it is that they do, happily? My brother, for example, has nothing much to do if there's no class, or if he's not going out with friends or out dating. But still, he spends his day playing games on the computer and facebook-ing, which are not much to speak of, but he still do them without a sense of 'blahness' like me.

To tell the truth, I've never stopped feeling like this, despite the various kinds of meds I've tried. You can say that I get stable, but once in a while (very often one-in-a-whiles) something happens and it acts like a trigger to shut down my system. It's like once you're down, you stay down, even after the issues are resolved.

Down and down under.

2010-07-01T17:27:00.004+08:00

At the risk that you may be reading this and feel upset by it, I have to write it, because I dont know what else to do (expressing it in the other diary did not help).

I've watched Toy Story 1 and 2, Tinkerbell, a documentary called Pregnant in America, the last episodes on Bones (David Boreanaz oh David Boreanaz) and the pilot of a new show called Huge.

I am not feeling better.

I've been sleeping all day and all night and my heart is palpitating and my muscles getting weaker with every additional hour of sleep. I know all these and how to prevent them, yet I do not. Since Saturday, these were all done in the account of a broken heart, and then a fever. I think the fever is gone, but there is still the flu so I am still using the excuse of illness.

Nothing is really resolved, and maybe that is why I am still hiding away.

If I need to get anything done at all, I need to stop feeling and start focusing, which is really hard because I wear my heart out on the sleeve.

The fact is, with or without the medication, I am like this whenever a conflict arises. I cannot cope with stress. Maybe it was never a depression, maybe it had always been just me.

Update: For the record, this didnt work either. Seeing him did. What am I going to do without you, if ever?

2010-06-30T21:16:00.002+08:00

SIGH.

I dont think fever + cold are usually accompanied by stomachaches. Im sweating and still cold. My head is freezing from the sweat of scalp.

And this whole relationship thing isnt making it any better.

stop breaking, please

2010-06-27T22:46:00.002+08:00

November 2007
For future reference, I AM HAPPY WITH HIM.

December 2007
He asked, if this doesn’t work, when do I think it would a good time to call it quits?

January 2008
“We’ll see where it goes. We don’t have to take things further than here.”

I guess somewhere deep inside us, we knew this would happen sooner or later. Neither of us were willing to let go. I'm still not willing to, but he's right, this is logically the best solution.

In a way.

I hope you know that these 3 years have been the best I could ever have. You made me a better a person, just by being there and supporting and comforting and understanding me. No one would have tolerated me for as long as you did. Probably no one will ever love me the way you did.

They say the first love is hardest to forget. I'm sure it is.

June 2010
Love alone is not enough.

time in transit

2010-06-19T00:32:00.010+08:00

Sy's place have no electricity - TNB cut the power. So after work, we went and hang out at Subway, IOI Mall and wait for time to pass. We needed a place with electricity, else we'd be having sauna over at his place. Not desirable.

After having a healthy dinner, he opened up his Alienware and played games and what-not online.

Me? I opened up my Tax textbook. Managed a few pages, understood a few concepts. Damn, I look fat. My face is round again!

Ah... Much better looking. =p

Later then, we watch Toy Story 3: 3D. It's awesome! Cute, amazing and creative. I like Bonnie - so adorable! I like Andy too - handsome boy! Hehe.

===========================================

These are from last Sunday. Sy and I attended his colleague's wedding. Very nicely done (and without a doubt with a heavy tab). Got Datuk, Datin and Tan Sris all. Here, we were posing somewhere Shangri-la Hotel KL while waiting for time to pass.

Complementary gift 1: see the silvery oval thing inside the glass container? I thought that was boiled egg; it is tradition to give out egg on weddings, Malays especially. Sy said it could be a chocolate egg. Guess what? It is. Bloody hell. I did not take that to avoid temptation.

Complimentary gift 2: Got some kuih inside. Sweet ones. Not supposed to eat but I did, for breakfast the next day. Hehe.

Complimentary gift 3: two little heart shaped chocolates - white and black chocolate. I'm not supposed to eat them either, but well, I did. =D

A six-course Malay style dinner, at one shot.

Chocolate parfait-something. There's like a thin layer of cake or something and topped by very rich-yummy-uberlicious cream, with cocoa powder on top, and a piece of white chocolate too. It is like, heaven. I want heaven to taste like this without me ever going sick from gobbling them.

and fear shall do you in

2010-06-17T13:34:00.003+08:00

I'm freaking scared of my own capabilities.

I dont dare to go out and explore. The possibilities, and the expectations to keep up, scares me to death.

it didnt last

2010-06-16T16:18:00.003+08:00

I was up this morning since 7:30 and travel back to Cyber with Sy; he went to work and I came back to campus. Stayed awake and worked on 2 articles until around 10:30, and then I couldnt stand it anymore. I went to sleep until 12pm. Hung around and attempted to read Tax notes, but got so disheartened at the sight of it.

1 o'clock came, and I was in tutorial class. Was quite confused with it, and thought the lecturer is beating around bush. Wonders if it's safe to trust my own intrepretation on the damn tax. After class, I came back to my room with an intention to continue doing at least 1 article. But I felt so mentally tired for no reason. I think I panicked once again at the thought of how hard tax is gonna be. I craved for sweet drinks. For coffee. Sigh.

It's 4:30 now; class in another half hour till 7pm. Maybe I'll be able to write something later tonight.

guys and ass

2010-06-15T13:33:00.006+08:00

What do you see?

The first thing I saw was the model's ass. It's a nice set of behind too - wtf, I feel like grabbing it myself, haha (click on the picture to enlarge it then you'll see what I mean). But then I realize that is the picture on Reef website that you click on if you want to go to the guy's section. For the girl's sections, there is an picture of a girl wearing bikini lying on her stomach on a beach. Not as assy as the guy's section, I must admit.

I dont understand why they're using that picture to represent the guy's section. Usually, you know, they use a guy model in the brand's products. While I'm sure the girl is wearing a Reef thong bikini bottom, she is not a he. What strategy is this? Enticing the guys to enter the website using a sexy ass? Or maybe that's just one of the Miss Reef, but that wouldnt be fair if they didnt do the same at the girl's section.

Hmmm...

Anyhoo, want more faceless bootylicious pictures? Check the Miss Reef page . I'm not promoting them btw; just feel like posting it here.

The Danish Poet

2010-06-15T01:00:00.003+08:00

This is a beautiful story.

taxing me out

2010-06-14T19:36:00.002+08:00

Was flipping over my old Taxation book and could not find whatever's related to what was taught in last week's class. Panic, panic, panic. Like fuck. Where the hell is the corporate residence section???

Sigh. Everyone said Tax 2 is very hard, what with all the computation questions with formulas here and there to memorise. I guess the good news would be that these people also said Advanced Tax would be easier than Tax 2. I can only hope so. Because I've decided that I dont care what grade I get anymore; I just want to complete this.

Which of course, is another problem. I have to go the faculty office and check if there is anything else I've left out and dont know about. If I did (touch wood touch wood TOUCH WOOD!), I will need to go find something to kill. Or a very dark, quiet corner to cry then pass out. I hope I've completed everything.

This four months is going to be more tense and dramatic than the last four. And I thought that was shit.

babi-kanasai

2010-06-09T15:28:00.002+08:00

Hello anxiety. Long time no see. I'm still not a fan, though.

when it goes down, then up

2010-06-04T14:34:00.003+08:00

Results are out; I got A for Strategy! Amazing. I've always gotten C's before in Aliza's class, and this time I got an A. Miracles of miracles. I didnt do too bad on ERP - got a B+. Still, my CGPA went 0.02 higher. Better up than down.

i'm reading: The Memory Keeper's Daughter (spoiler!)

2010-05-29T21:12:00.005+08:00

A sad touching story of a doctor who delivered his twins during a blizzard storm but gave away his daughter, who was borne with Down syndrome, thinking it would spare his wife the grief and pain. The same kind of grief and pain he watched his mother suffered with his sister, who died from the same disease. He asked his nurse, Caroline, who's always been secretly in love with him, to send the baby to a home. She didnt, but instead left with the baby to raise as her own. What he, David Henry, didnt realized, perhaps until too late, was that he was only shielding himself from the pain, not anyone else. His lie brought on more lies, created a hole in his marriage, in his family.

As I read on, in the dead of the night, my heart pulsed and beat harder. And every time, as I turned the page, I silently screamed to David Henry, "Tell them! Tell them the truth! That Phoebe lives, that the lost daughter was never lost, that Paul still has a sister". But as the years passed in the book - 1964, 1967, 1970, 1977, 1982, 1988 - he kept his silence, suffering from his secret, which spread out everywhere, in ways he cannot imagine.

I'm still reading it. Every now and then, I'd cry while reading. Imagining the life of David Henry, imagining the reaction of his wife, Norah, when and if she finds out. How pissed she will be, how regretful the whole situation will be, how sorry will mean nothing anymore. She's led a different life since the 'death' of her baby girl, but it was a just a very empty albeit successful shell. And how would Paul react; he, who had wanted a sibling but was denied that opportunity? It wasnt just Phoebe; Norah had wanted another child, but David refused, afraid that the thunder might strike twice on the same spot.

This is the story of ordinary lives, changed into something less than ordinary by one circumstance, defined by pain and emptiness.

I'll let you know of the ending.

==============================

Update:

David Henry died of heart attack, buried with the secret. But the cat came out of the hat anyways; Caroline came forward and told them the truth. An reunion of sort, awkward, with Phoebe never really understanding.

"You're my daughter, Phoebe, do you understand that? This is Paul, your brother."

Phoebe took hold of Caroline's hand. "This is my mother."

Ah, closure. A relief and a heartbreak.