I'm so sad. 

The bonus that I'd been anticipated is much lower than what I got last year. I had this naive expectation that the bonus would be higher this year, because goddamnit, I worked hard and I did more than my fair share. The depressing fact is, my performance review did improve... but goddamn Shell as a whole did not. In fact, this well known MNC did so badly, the business performance is the lowest in the decade. 

*cries*

Sigh. 

.. and this began a little before New Year. Sometime after Christmas.

I'm sluggish, underwhelmed (you know, I actually have no idea what this means, but it sounds right), and like a complete bum. Nothing interests me.

I dont want to do anything. I dont want to go to work. I dont want to watch TV. I dont want to read. I dont want to clean the house.

I just want to lie down and die.

It's been 21 days and more, and I'm still feeling this stagnant line running though me.

Like. What. Eva.

I dont know if this is life bumming me out, or it. 

The worse part, I dont even remember what I used to call it! The little monster? Heck, I really dont remember.

Maybe I should up the dose. But change to something new. Maybe imiphramime isnt working. Maybe it never had. Maybe all it did was keeping me on a steady line, with no major downs. If it is, then steady's breaking down.

If you asked me what happened in my first doctor's appointments, I can't tell you, cause I dont remember. I wish I have access to her notes on me. But I dont even remember her name.

I am still torn.

Okay, we've  I've decided to go on with the initial plan. What's a wedding without the big bang celebration, right?

So now, need to decide on MUA, photographer and the house. Then the finalization of guest list. 

Well it's December. Three months from our planned Chinese wedding. There is still guest list to be finalized, invitation cards to decide on, MUAs and photographers to survey. A house to rent. A hotel suite to book. Dresses and suits to choose/ make.

Money to save up.

He's thinking if it would be better if we scrap the whole thing. Save the trouble, save the money. Better to burn the paid up deposits than to lose more money. Because it is more money being thrown in to make this happen.

If we forgo this, we lose RM3K. If we continue, we need to spend roughly an additional of RM800 + RM1.5K + RM500 + RM500 + RM2K + what ever losses made from the dinner.

But this is a once in a lifetime experience. You dont get to be a bride all dolled up and feeling important any other time. There will be stories told. There'll be panic oh-my-god-is-this-done.

There will be regrets. Frustrations. Anger. Disappointment.

Joy. Love. A sense of achievement. Relief.

It's a thing to do.

But we have a house coming in soon. More money to be spent. Honeymoon. Not cheap.

Should we save up money for future?

But oh god. We always save up for this and that. All practical things. Let's have some fun.

Such conflicts.

I never can win. 

I thought today was a reasonably alright day. Woke up a bit late and did not feel like putting on contact lenses cause my eyes were too tired and sleepy. So I brought the lenses to work and put it on there.

My dark circles were so apparent and so ugly.

The lenses did not feel well in my eyes. I thought I found the right brand, but somehow these still irritated me. Like my eyes were so cold and dry and I had to blink so very often. Sometimes my sight goes blurry if I stare at something continuously, without diverting anywhere, for a while.

But I let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.

It was a quiet day. Not much commotion. Went for a meeting. Did my work.

At the end of the day, got alerted on a mistake. A mistake so small, it shouldn't have mattered much. But I've made this same mistake, like a few others, oh so many times that it's now simply pathetic that I even make it.

What am I, a rookie on her first day at work?

And then while waiting for my ride home, I sit at the bus station, surrounded by people waiting for their ride home, feeling so miserably lonely.

I can't name a friend here.

And I've been here two years.

I can't find anything to say to anyone.

Even after two years of acquaintances.

Was I always so socially inept?

Oh yes. You have always been this way. Ever the loner. Sitting at the corner alone. Wondering who to talk to. Who to have lunch with. You. You. You. 

And my eyes are now so sleepy, from wearing the contact lenses, but I couldn't fall asleep. Which is irony, because sleep is like my forte.

You know those little rats or guinea pigs or hamsters kept in a cage with a treadmill? I feel like one of them right now. Stuck in a little cage, within a big big world, having to run the same old treadmill every day, each the same food every day, and sleeping only to wake up to repeat. Except I actually have the key to the cage, but this key is hidden under a hay of fear and reluctance.

It saddens me that you are stuck in this cage with me. Sometimes I feel that without me, you would have been able to find the key a lot easier.