Sunday, February 19, 2012
one zero zero zero
come here again, you little dark thing
breathe a short air
no cause
breaking down
Lost again, in a sea of familiarity.
Alone again, in crowd of people I dont know.
Asleep in the wake
and awake in the sleep.
There is just something about me that keeps me rooted in this position.
I keep writing but they mean nothing.
I look back at my past writings and see nothing.
breathe a short air
That defeated feeling where everything is pointless, useless, and hopeless is back.
Maybe I am too used to being pessimistic. I am used to a cycle of joy, quickly followed by another cycle of empty sorrows.
I think I might have tried being positive. Or maybe I didnt. It's so much easier to slip under the comforts of the blankets. The darkness, while cruel, is comforting.
no cause
Sometimes I wake up feeling not alright. There isnt a particular reason -although one can argue it may be from the brain chemicals' dysfunctions. But that's just it. I can wake feeling like the world can go to hell and I wouldnt give a damn.
But I cant justify why I feel that way. I also cant justify to you why I feel so damn upset today that I can't hold back the tears. I cried and I cried and I still dont feel better.
Sometimes I think I know the reasons; other times I think its all just bullshits.
Do people who are depressed cry all the times? Cause if then, I might have been born depressed.
breaking down
He asked me what was wrong, and I cried.
He asked if I was okay, and I cried.
He told me he loves me, and I cried.
I look at him, just looking, and I cried.
The whole day today was about crying. I cried my heart out for no reason and he held me in his arms, telling me that he loves me and that everything will be fine.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
what hurts the most...
You know what's really fucked up? When your heart disagrees with your mind. Which is crazy, since the the brain is the one controlling the emotional parts.
How do you figure out why you feel the way you feel, and how do you stop it? Every time I ask the shrink, he says it's very normal. Normal my fucking ass la! I get upset, I cry. I get disappointed, I cry. I get happy, I cry. I get insulted, I cry. Normal, you say?!
FML.
How do you figure out why you feel the way you feel, and how do you stop it? Every time I ask the shrink, he says it's very normal. Normal my fucking ass la! I get upset, I cry. I get disappointed, I cry. I get happy, I cry. I get insulted, I cry. Normal, you say?!
FML.
Monday, February 13, 2012
*%^%#%#^
Yan kit fan ngo kit fan. Pin dou yau dit kam keh tiu man keh yan. Ngo dei plan yun hai yat ko dei fong lei chau kwai kwai dei chou ko ho lou dau lei la. Hai do yu kao yi dit kao ko dit. Lei kam chong yi kao, lei chi kei hui kit fan do chi la!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Right. Nope.
SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!
Monday, January 16, 2012
what, you're faulting me for being quick?
There are 4 workers in a room. 3 people - X, Y, and Z, are given equal amount of a basic task which we shall call Task A. The other worker, W, is given Task A too, but lesser in amount because he's new and not familiar with the works yet.
X, Y and X are also given other ad hoc tasks, such as Task B, C and D. X and Y are given a little more ad hoc works - Task E and D, respectively.
However, Y also has the task to divide Task A equally among X, Z, W and himself. Task A varies in its simplicity and difficulty in work. Some of it may be more time consuming than the rest.
There may be time when the distribution of Task A is unfair - human error, not much attention paid towards what was distributed, etc.
So there are people saying, given the somewhat fair amount of work, Y is rather quick. In comparison, X is, well, rather slow.
So now today, X asked Y if he checks what he distributes, because it seems that X is always lucky enough to get the difficult tasks.
*writing distracted by a BBC show*
Anyway, to make a long story short, Y feels as if X is saying that Y is causing his slowness by unfairly distributing tasks to him. Which Y feels... FUCK YOU LA. Next you distribute see how you like it.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
are you happy now?
Sequel to ::if this is a fairytale, it's a fucking boring one::
We went out drinking with the Voices bunch on Friday night; Sumi was back from Washington and was gonna leave soon. The night started out rather dull. Sy and I were late, but still we were the first to arrive there - Craft Brewery (not recommended, and after that night, I doubt they'd welcome us back with open arms).
To its credit, the food portion was big and I liked the mashed potato although I got sick of it before I even finished it. So maybe it wasn't all that good.
Anyhoo, it was quiet with a bit of chit chat here and there for a while, until the boys arrived... and then the place got a little chattier (I don't know if that's even a word, but what the hey). More talk, more drinks. The beer was quite mild...
At one point Sy was chatting with Praba and I went and stand next to him because I got bored of sitting alone. Sy complained that I complained about his lack of proposal (see linked-post above), and Praba, kinda drunkenly, said he should give a proper proposal (not his exact words, but whatever he said that night, it implied that he meant that - or maybe it's just me). So Sy went, okay, okay, I'll do it.
And he swiftly moved the chair, went down on one knee and asked, "Iris, would you marry me?" with a cigarette in his hand, to which I said, "With a cigarette in your hand?!" to which he replied by taking the ciggie from his hand and to his mouth (LOL). Then the others shouted, "Speech, speech, speech!" To which he complied...
"Iris, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Will you marry me?" And he handed me his promise ring to me (I wasn't wearing my ring then).
I teared up asap, and said yes, halfway between a jump and wanting to go, "Woooo hooooo!"
Congratulations here and there. I did not see how the rest of the diners/ drinkers reacted. Didn't care for that while.
****************************
Sayang, you're the best thing that ever happened to me too. I'm sorry I'm such a baby with the proposal and the ring and the rest of what-nots, but well.... I am such a baby. =D
****************************
In between all that, we made a lot noise throughout the night at the brewery. We also had plenty of disputes with the staffs about the number of pints that we should've had. About the 3-pints promotion that Sumi wasn't informed of and that's she insisted that she be able to buy it anyway even though the (supposed) time for the purchase was over. About the Bingo vouchers that we won (yeah, they have Bingo there and our table won 3 vouchers out of 2 rounds!) which they claimed they've given to us, which actually, they didn't. And about the vouchers that we couldn't use until the next day, which Annu fought over and managed to us 9 free pints of beer out of those vouchers.
Ahhh... crazy night.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Ya ya, happy new year.
As of yesterday, many people has been posting farewells to 2011 and hellos to 2012. As I read through, I wondered what the big deal is about a new year. I mean, it literally is just another day. Another day that also adds on another year to my age (but mind you, I'm still 18, haha). Anyway, the day before, I wanted to go out and do something on a new year's eve. Because it was a new year's eve but more so because we had 3 days of holidays. Takkan wanna stay home all three days, right? But then as the day passed into the night and I continued lying on the bed, I thought I might as well just sleep through it.
But as it was, there was a carnival near my place and they put on fireworks. So 9 minutes into the new year, I went out the house with 2 Ferrero Rochers in hand and watched awesome fireworks right above my head. They seemed so near I thought they would fall on my head.
Then today, I woke up and Sy asked where I wanted to go. I wanted to go shopping. But instead, I told him, "Let's go skating at Sunway" (I must reading too much Archie's in their winter times). So we went to Sunway, along with a few hundred other people. I think we rounded the carpark for at least half an hour before finding a spot. Had Manhattan Fish market for lunch, which by the way, sucked. The Sweet Alabama drink was mild and the food served was cold.
Then we went skating. I was nervous when we arrived at the ice rink; skating sure seems fun, but I can't even roller-skate properly (Sy said he was suprised that I wanted to come skating; well yeah, so am I). Thought of backing out, but then we did come all the way for this. So we paid, got our skates, and slowly went onto the ice.
Godammit it was slippery! I can't even stand properly and I literally. Could. Not. Move. I held onto the sides of the rink; it was surrounded by glass border but there aren't any railings for poor shitty 'skaters' like me. It was hard to hold on to the glass borders! Especially when you're wearing gloves, your grip ain't good at all! And who should come along, skating easily and smoothly on the wet ice, but my fiance...
Apparently, I have no balance, terribly unable to balance my body weight, which apparently is due to my lack of exercise. The skates were painful at my ankles, my arms are hurting because I kept dragging myself along the sides like a baby learning to walk. Every time I try to move forward, I slipped backward.
Yes, dear, I heard you, lean forward and not backwards. Now if you could tell my body to act uninstinctively...
I was goddamn frustrasted. I was willing to burn the skate-till-10-pm ticket money. But no, he said. Don't give up. Try again in a while.
Okay. F. I. N. E.
We went into the rink again. Again, my body froze, I cannot move the way some four-years olds are moving on the ice. I was close to tears at that point. I was standing on the side of the rink again; there 3 people in front of me and one of them just fell down. They're not moving anytime soon. Sy stood near me, but nowhere near the glass panes of course, and urged, "Move it! Go around them". To do that, I have to move freely on my own and not hold on to anything.
Sounds simple enough. Except I haven't figured out exactly HOW to propel myself forward using my feet. The feet that up until then, are still either staying put at one position, ormoving slipping front and backwards uncontrollably.
He took my hands, in a somewhat perceived impatient act , and led me around those guys. And then he jokingly said something, which unfailingly unscrewed my 'waterfall' tap.
I wept there and then. Why? I'm not feeling pathetic enough on my own that I couldn't do something so simple? Embarrassing, yes, I know. But I still haven't gotten around prohibiting my crying while still allowing my feelings to go about freely.
This was supposed to be my birthday pressie. And it turned out to be a goddamn lousy one.
Shopping therapy does work you know. I felt much better after spending about an hour plus inside Nicchi, trying out clothes and deciding which dress to buy for CNY. Finally found two dresses that somewhat flatters my apple-shaped body.
But as it was, there was a carnival near my place and they put on fireworks. So 9 minutes into the new year, I went out the house with 2 Ferrero Rochers in hand and watched awesome fireworks right above my head. They seemed so near I thought they would fall on my head.
Then today, I woke up and Sy asked where I wanted to go. I wanted to go shopping. But instead, I told him, "Let's go skating at Sunway" (I must reading too much Archie's in their winter times). So we went to Sunway, along with a few hundred other people. I think we rounded the carpark for at least half an hour before finding a spot. Had Manhattan Fish market for lunch, which by the way, sucked. The Sweet Alabama drink was mild and the food served was cold.
Then we went skating. I was nervous when we arrived at the ice rink; skating sure seems fun, but I can't even roller-skate properly (Sy said he was suprised that I wanted to come skating; well yeah, so am I). Thought of backing out, but then we did come all the way for this. So we paid, got our skates, and slowly went onto the ice.
Godammit it was slippery! I can't even stand properly and I literally. Could. Not. Move. I held onto the sides of the rink; it was surrounded by glass border but there aren't any railings for poor shitty 'skaters' like me. It was hard to hold on to the glass borders! Especially when you're wearing gloves, your grip ain't good at all! And who should come along, skating easily and smoothly on the wet ice, but my fiance...
Apparently, I have no balance, terribly unable to balance my body weight, which apparently is due to my lack of exercise. The skates were painful at my ankles, my arms are hurting because I kept dragging myself along the sides like a baby learning to walk. Every time I try to move forward, I slipped backward.
Yes, dear, I heard you, lean forward and not backwards. Now if you could tell my body to act uninstinctively...
I was goddamn frustrasted. I was willing to burn the skate-till-10-pm ticket money. But no, he said. Don't give up. Try again in a while.
Okay. F. I. N. E.
We went into the rink again. Again, my body froze, I cannot move the way some four-years olds are moving on the ice. I was close to tears at that point. I was standing on the side of the rink again; there 3 people in front of me and one of them just fell down. They're not moving anytime soon. Sy stood near me, but nowhere near the glass panes of course, and urged, "Move it! Go around them". To do that, I have to move freely on my own and not hold on to anything.
Sounds simple enough. Except I haven't figured out exactly HOW to propel myself forward using my feet. The feet that up until then, are still either staying put at one position, or
He took my hands, in a somewhat perceived impatient act , and led me around those guys. And then he jokingly said something, which unfailingly unscrewed my 'waterfall' tap.
I wept there and then. Why? I'm not feeling pathetic enough on my own that I couldn't do something so simple? Embarrassing, yes, I know. But I still haven't gotten around prohibiting my crying while still allowing my feelings to go about freely.
This was supposed to be my birthday pressie. And it turned out to be a goddamn lousy one.
Shopping therapy does work you know. I felt much better after spending about an hour plus inside Nicchi, trying out clothes and deciding which dress to buy for CNY. Finally found two dresses that somewhat flatters my apple-shaped body.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
mothers are always right?
Why are mothers always right? I bought 2 new pairs of shoes the other day, and my mum wanted to see them. You know, saja saja check out what I got. Her feet are 1 size smaller than mine, so she tried on the shoes and went, "Aiyo, so tight. Don't your feet hurt? Later when you walk sure will hurt one. Should have bought bigger... etc."
I did try the shoes. I walked a bit in it (but how far can you walk in a shop right?), and it felt alright at that time. Fuck, it felt good. Not painful.
But I've always bought open toe shoes and this time around, both shoes are closed toe and also fully covered. And I'm terrible at gauging what good fit it is for fully covered shoes (got one time, a few months ago, I bought sports shoes - which also happened to be fully covered, and they hurt like motherf*cker). So I suppose my mum was correct. Once again. The shoes do hurt a bit.
But they are pretty! And we learn from falling right? =p
I guess I'll wear them until they hurt no more.
I did try the shoes. I walked a bit in it (but how far can you walk in a shop right?), and it felt alright at that time. Fuck, it felt good. Not painful.
But I've always bought open toe shoes and this time around, both shoes are closed toe and also fully covered. And I'm terrible at gauging what good fit it is for fully covered shoes (got one time, a few months ago, I bought sports shoes - which also happened to be fully covered, and they hurt like motherf*cker). So I suppose my mum was correct. Once again. The shoes do hurt a bit.
But they are pretty! And we learn from falling right? =p
I guess I'll wear them until they hurt no more.
Friday, December 02, 2011
heck of days
As predicted, the last 2 months of the year were hectic. More so becuase colleagues are taking leaves here and there.
The other my colleague asked me how did I manage to still go home on time at 5pm every day. Yes, I do go home right on time every day, because I feel bad asking my carpool-er to wait for me nearly every day. But the truth is, I didn't manage to complete all my work all at the same day. I rush through them, yes, and I try to do the more urgent stuffs first. The rest, if possible, I postpone them to the next day. Also, I've been eating lunches at my desk just about every day, taking less than an hour.
But mine is such an awesome company - they want us to liven up our work areas. Decorate the board. Decorate your working bays. But you know what? It's also a fucking competition with a fucking deadline. Where got time to decorate things when there are other operational deadlines to meet?!
Got.... stay back lor.
That's what I'm doing now. I'm typing this from the office, haha. I did not go to lunch at all today; I shared a bowl of fried spaghetti with my colleague, who was also working to decorate the board with me during lunch time (hungry now). I also realized that I have not gone to the toilet even once this whole day.
Sigh. And all the while, I see emails coming in, one by one, demanding action. Ah... fuck you, man.
Not to mention, this evening, someone from MAIS called me, asking for my 'perkembangan' after converting. Did I go to those classes? I said no, I haven't got the time yet and I don't have a car. He suggested a few places, like Jabatan Daerah Islam Hulu Langat, in Kajang. PERKIM, apparently, have classes in English. He also noted that I did not change my name (for goodness sake, people, get over it!).
I haven't even got the time to do wedding planning. I haven't got the patience to even learn Mandarin... you want me to learn Islamic stuffs now? Gimme some time, can or not?
Earlier on, I was thinking that I could learn the basic fardhu ain stuffs from Sy (going to those place often, I am liable to regularly piss people off and giving myself early heart attacks). How now, brown dog?
The other my colleague asked me how did I manage to still go home on time at 5pm every day. Yes, I do go home right on time every day, because I feel bad asking my carpool-er to wait for me nearly every day. But the truth is, I didn't manage to complete all my work all at the same day. I rush through them, yes, and I try to do the more urgent stuffs first. The rest, if possible, I postpone them to the next day. Also, I've been eating lunches at my desk just about every day, taking less than an hour.
But mine is such an awesome company - they want us to liven up our work areas. Decorate the board. Decorate your working bays. But you know what? It's also a fucking competition with a fucking deadline. Where got time to decorate things when there are other operational deadlines to meet?!
Got.... stay back lor.
That's what I'm doing now. I'm typing this from the office, haha. I did not go to lunch at all today; I shared a bowl of fried spaghetti with my colleague, who was also working to decorate the board with me during lunch time (hungry now). I also realized that I have not gone to the toilet even once this whole day.
Sigh. And all the while, I see emails coming in, one by one, demanding action. Ah... fuck you, man.
Not to mention, this evening, someone from MAIS called me, asking for my 'perkembangan' after converting. Did I go to those classes? I said no, I haven't got the time yet and I don't have a car. He suggested a few places, like Jabatan Daerah Islam Hulu Langat, in Kajang. PERKIM, apparently, have classes in English. He also noted that I did not change my name (for goodness sake, people, get over it!).
I haven't even got the time to do wedding planning. I haven't got the patience to even learn Mandarin... you want me to learn Islamic stuffs now? Gimme some time, can or not?
Earlier on, I was thinking that I could learn the basic fardhu ain stuffs from Sy (going to those place often, I am liable to regularly piss people off and giving myself early heart attacks). How now, brown dog?
Monday, November 28, 2011
If this is a fairytale, it's a fucking boring one
It's been more than a month since i've had anything to write. Not to say that there were absolutely nothing to write about... just that i dont feel there is much to write on.
What's there to say? That I see this as an unofficial engagement because there was no proposal from his side, just a mutual agreement that I'd convert and hence marry him. He disagrees. I tell you, there is nothing romantic in an engagement when it involves difficult decision to convert from one religion to another. You dont get the typical "Will you marry me?" kind of stuff. Instead, you get "So will you be converting or not?" And i am hopeless about the former. I don't care what he said, a question "Do you want to get married?" is abso-fucking-lutely different from an actual proposal. The kind that comes with a ring or at very least a flower.
Why am i so fucking upset and disappointed over this? I don't know. The same way I don't know why I'm sitting here at Starbucks Pavilion, writing these and crying at the same fucking time.
I guess I dreamed too much, expected too much. The more you hope, the more disappointed you get in the end.
Also probably because I'm hormonal now.
What's there to say? That I see this as an unofficial engagement because there was no proposal from his side, just a mutual agreement that I'd convert and hence marry him. He disagrees. I tell you, there is nothing romantic in an engagement when it involves difficult decision to convert from one religion to another. You dont get the typical "Will you marry me?" kind of stuff. Instead, you get "So will you be converting or not?" And i am hopeless about the former. I don't care what he said, a question "Do you want to get married?" is abso-fucking-lutely different from an actual proposal. The kind that comes with a ring or at very least a flower.
Why am i so fucking upset and disappointed over this? I don't know. The same way I don't know why I'm sitting here at Starbucks Pavilion, writing these and crying at the same fucking time.
I guess I dreamed too much, expected too much. The more you hope, the more disappointed you get in the end.
Also probably because I'm hormonal now.
